Underpants

16-Year-Old Underpants

People are talking about the Japanese astronaut who wore the same “experimental” underpants for his month-long stay about the space shuttle, but that’s nothing. Imagine the state of the shorts on this guy in Portugal who spent 16 years on the run hiding in caves. The 54-year-old escaped murderer had been living mainly on fruit. The arresting officers said he looked like Robinson Crusoe and smelled like him too. 

50-year-old scotch

I like scotch whiskey but the 50-year-old Glenfiddich single malt they are releasing is a bit pricey at $16,000 a bottle. The company said they will release 50 bottles a year for 10 years. mostly to collectors. Experienced scotch drinkers say 50-year-old scotch will probably taste like the keg it came from. Most of the bottles will be resold to other collectors for even more money until the day, 200 years from now, when the butler opens the wrong bottle.

Day-Old Beer

They added another white guy to the beer summit in Washington convened by US President Barack Obama after a he-said-he-said-I-shouldn’t-have-said-that over a white man arresting a black man in his own home. There were no apologies but the four got along well and the black guy said the white guy was a nice, “when he’s not arresting you.” The fourth at the beer fest was Vice-president Joe Biden. He joined US President Barack Obama, Harvard Scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr., and Sgt. James Crowley of the Cambridge Massachusetts Police Department. They drank out of beer mugs. Obama had a Bud Lite,  Crowley had Blue Moon,  Gates drank Sam Adams Light. Crowley kept with Blue Moon tradition and had a slice of orange in his drink. Biden had a Buckler nonalcoholic beer with a slice of lime. Someone had to be sober. 

Cigars All Round

The old cab may soon be running on a mix of Cuban/Russian oil because the Russians just signed a deal to explore Cuba’s economic zone in the Gulf of Mexico which could contain 20 billion barrels of oil. Russia also extended a loan of $150,000 to Cuba to buy construction and agriculture equipment (that’s one John Deere tractor). If that’s all it takes to get at 20 billion barrels of oil, you’d think anybody could have stepped up but, then again, Cuba doesn’t have that many friends. I think that’s gonna change.

Mounted Police on Bicycles . . . Help!

I’ve always thought adding cops on horseback to the patina of the urban street is a great idea, but not everybody agrees. Boston politicians are getting rid of the city’s mounted patrol unit of 12 horses to save money (what else!). The horses are being replaced with bicycles. Supporters of the mounted unit point out that horses give cops a big visibility advantage in urban policing, they allow cops to go anywhere and quickly (within reason) and they are great at controlling and moving crowds. Two or three cops on horseback could probably face down a very large crowd and move them along with no problem. Put the same three cops on bicycles and, well . . . giddy up comes to mind.

Guinness as Good as Veggies

“Guinness is good for you.” The Irish believed the 1920s beer slogan implicitly and now it seems they were right. A pint a day may work as well as an aspirin to prevent heart clots that raise the risk of heart attacks. Most benefits, say researchers, come from drinking 24 fluid ounces of Guinness, just over a pint, at mealtimes. Antioxidants in Guinness, researchers say, are similar to those found in fruits and vegetables. No need to stock up on broccoli.

Phelps Out-Suited

Swimming sensation Michael Phelps lost a race in Rome to a “suit.” The loss has been blamed on the fact that the winner, Germany’s Paul Biedermann, was wearing a high-tech suit so slippery it put Michael’s speedo to shame. Now, Phelps says he’s withdrawing from international competition until “swimming gets back to swimming.” In other words, until he can get one of those suits.

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Reality TV Bad

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bumper-to-bumper reality TV show but being stuck in traffic won’t get you ratings like telling about past affairs or hopes and dreams of future ones. Tell-all TV in India, where a lot of that goes on, has politicians up in arms. Based on the US TV show Moment of Truth, the show has Indian politicians blushing because they’ve only ever seen Bollywood movies where no one so much as shares a kiss. While the show airs at 10:30 p.m. people who object to the show say promotions run all day long on various channels - “you can’t escape it.” The host of the show, Rajeev Khandelwal, says the program is about truth and courage. The former deputy speaker of the upper house of parliament, Najma Heptullah, says the show is all about making big money and boosting television ratings. That’s a shocker.

Marriage Good

I just dropped a couple off at City Hall. They’re getting married and so I told them, “marriage is good for your health.” I didn’t mention that divorce is bad for your health. After a divorce,  scientists say, your good health evaporates and you have more chronic illnesses even than those who never marry and they aren’t usually that healthy - I think it’s the Twinkies. Even if you remarry, it doesn’t help, especially if you marry someone like the person you just divorced. Marriage is good for you, once, but not so good for you multiple times. I wonder how Donald Trump is feeling? He never says.

GPS . . . You Decide

People say I should have one of them GPS units in the cab to tell me where to go. The truth is, I usually know where I’m going and, even at that, passengers give me directions. Some of the best rides I’ve had involve taking advice from couples who disagree about the best way to get somewhere  - “Go right , no go left.” -  I sometimes take directions from both of them, just for fun. People with GPS units tend to listen to the computer voice and do what it says even if they know better. A Swedish couple in search of the Isle of Capri drove to Carpi in northern Italy, 400 miles out of their way, because they misspelled the name of their destination on their GPS unit. Now, let’s see where would I like to go? P A I R I S

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The Queen Demands to Know

I don’t think the Queen takes cabs, but if she did she’d be a pretty demanding rider. She just got a group of eminent British economists to write her a letter apologizing for failing to predict the financial crisis, which likely cost her a pot full. The letter came out of a visit by the Queen to the London School of Economics last November when she demanded to know why nobody had anticipated the credit crunch. The letter said the crisis “was principally a failure of the collective imagination of many bright people, both in this country and internationally, to understand the risks to the system as a whole." Buckingham Palace declined official comment but insiders say the Queen is now demanding to know why no one saw Camilla coming.

A Shootout in the Senate

I see you’re reading the Washington Post. Check out columnist E. J. Dionne Jr. He says it’s time to allow US senators to show their support for the National Rifle Association by taking their guns to work. It’s a good suggestion because it points out that there’s a difference between supporting laws to get votes and supporting laws that could get you shot. While we’re at it, we should take away health coverage for all US lawmakers (including the ultimate Republican, Rush Limbaugh) and see how long it takes them to come up with a universal plan that actually is universal. Politicians can back whatever foolish, self-serving policies they want because, most of the time, none of it affects them. Rush Limbaugh can say whatever he wants because he never has to run for election and his multi-million-dollar radio salary allows him to buy as much Viagra as he needs. I can say whatever I want because, so far, no one is listening. Are you listening? Hey, wake up. We’re here.

Sarkozy ‘back on top’

You know what, I love the French: their food, their cars, the big tower thing and their Joie de vivre. Look at French president Nicolas Sarkozy. He’s just out of hospital after suffering a dizzy spell while jogging. Although the 54-year-old “hyperactive president” doesn’t have heart problems, he has been ordered to rest. So, he and his wife took his doctors’ advice and spent the day in bed where they indulged in a sensible diet of champagne, strawberries and chocolate. When they emerged from their day-long rest, the president’s wife reassured the nation with the words, “The president is back on top.”  Back on top, get it? Okay, don’t laugh. Tip me in Euros.

Their Names are Too Long

Iranian politics, eh. First the all-powerful Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei tells the president to fire his vice-president, Esfandiar Rahim Mashaie. Then, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad fires his Intelligence Minister Gholam Hossein Mohseni Ejeie, probably because his name is too long. And then, Culture and Islamic Guidance Minister Mohammad Hossein Saffar Harandi quits because he says the government is weakened. and his name and his title are too long.  And then, the president goes and appoints his former vice-president as his chief of staff (probably to piss off the ayatollah). It’s a lot easier to follow politics in North Korea where everyone has the same last name and easy first names like Un and Il. Just to bring you up to date on North Korean politics, Il is ill and Un is in.

Check this out. A rodent-eating snake in Japan has made friends with a hamster that was originally presented to the snake last October as a meal. The snake refused to eat the hamster and now they share a cage. The hamster even sleeps on the snake’s back but , if you look closely, he has one eye open.

Let’s face it, Sarah Palin is the most interesting women in US politics, even though she has left the Alaska state governor’s mansion. No longer governor, she can now prowl the national stage, or not, depending on which way the winds and fortunes and currents take her. Whatever happens - a book and a movie and/or a run for the Republican nomination in 2012 - we’ll watch everything she does because everything she does seems to keep us on her oddly baited fishing hook. Even if she is tarnished in one of the many inquiries into spending and behaviour during her term as governor of Alaska, she will always be a media catch . . .  and not just the catch of the day. Her 15 minutes of fame is going to last a lifetime. You betcha!

 

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Sunday, Day Off

I was going to add a long, boring draft of my novel, but you need your rest. The cab is parked and I'm reading the Sunday papers. We'll talk tomorrow.

Monkeys and Manners

Indian Monkeys are out of control in the Punjab, but don’t worry. They plan to build a special school for delinquent Macaque monkeys which routinely destroy TV antennas, tear down clothes lines and damage parked scooters and motorcycles (it’s like every day is Halloween). The proposed school will take the worst offenders and put them through a crash course in good manners. Then, they’ll get a pat on the head and be released back out into the community. I’m not saying this isn’t gonna work, but there used to be a jail for bad monkeys before the monkeys tore it down.

Hey, it happens. Neighbors see a guy forcing his way into a house. The cops come around. The guy, who’s black, says he lives there and that he’s  Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr.  and  he can prove it. Then the cop, a white guy named Sgt. James Crowley of the Cambridge Police Department, takes him downtown because Gates gives him some lip. Folks get up in arms, thinking it’s racial. The US president himself says the police department acted “stupidly” and then everybody gets excited again. But it’s working out. US President Barack Obama called Sgt. Crowley and then the president called Prof. Gates and now it looks like they might all get together at the White House for a beer. Just one though. You don’t want this to get ugly again.

If you’re thinking of puffing on a smokeless electronic cigarette, forget it. The FDA says those smokes contain carcinogens (yup, cancer) and a chemical used in antifreeze that is  really bad for you. I quit smoking by eating carrots, the original smokeless cigarette. So, if you are kicking the habit and you want a fix to get you through, try carrots . . . no nicotine and they’re good for your eyes.

Chinese scientists have created virtual genetic duplicates of mice using skin cells from adult animals that had been coaxed into the equivalent of embryonic stem cells. What that means is, with the right chemical coaxing and a few skin cells we may be able to get everything we need to duplicate ourselves, not that I’d want more than one of me at the wheel of this cab. One of you in the back seat is probably plenty too. No offense.

Wall Street is on the take again, or still, depending on your perspective. Some high-frequency traders are using powerful computers to transmit millions of orders in a flash. They snag billions in profits while the slow traders like you and me just keep losing. It’s got to change. Either everyone gets a bigger computer or there will be have to be new rules that only allow electronic trades on outdated laptops like the Mac I’m using.  You didn’t think I was a PC. Did you? 

Remember those stationary bicycles hooked up to the TV. You had to peddle hard enough to produce enough electricity to power the TV or you and your less-than-active family would miss ER. Now two Kenyan inventors have come up with a cellphone charger that works on a bicycle you peddle between villages or around town. In Kenya, it costs $2 to charge the average cell phone. This gadget will retail for $4.50 and give you many, many charges. Kenyans with a bicycle and a cell phone can charge up every time they go for a ride. This might surprise you, but I’m all for bicycle transportation. It will mean fewer cars on the road and it would be good for people . . . like that woman who just gave me the finger, she could lose a few pounds.

Have you heard of Linalool? It sounds like floor polish but it’s a chemical compound found in lavender, tea and lemons and it can calm your nerves after a long, hard day in traffic. So relax, have a tea with some lemon, sniff some lavender and plan to give me a big tip when I get you to the airport. 

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The Bank of Canada says the recession is over, although thousands are out of work, Toronto is piled high with stinking garbage because of a strike, tourism is in the toilet and the Maple Leafs will never, ever win the Stanley Cup. Except for that, the recession is over. 

In a she-said-they-said-she-said-Bill (probably) said, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said North Korea has no friends left and then North Korea said Mrs. Clinton was “not intelligent.” Then Bill (probably) said &*%@ . . . you. Then the North Koreans got really nasty and said, “Sometimes (Mrs. Clinton) looks like a primary schoolgirl (well, that’s not bad) and sometimes a pensioner going shopping (well, that’s worse).” Then Mrs. Clinton said, “We are committed to the verifiable denuclearization of the Korean peninsula in a peaceful manner (sweet).” And then the North Koreans sent up some rockets and Bill (probably) said they weren’t real rockets, “not real, real rockets.”

New York's famed Naked Cowboy says he wants to run for mayor of the Big Apple. At least he has nothing to hide, not even a big apple, apparently.

Twenty-five years after his death, it turns out that British spy Anthony Blunt wrote in his memoir (just released) that passing secrets to Russia was the “biggest mistake of my life.” Well, after getting caught at it.

In a spectacular repeat performance, the French army has set fire to Marseille again by shooting tracer bullets during super dry summer weather conditions. They did the same thing last year and, even though they were told never to do it again, they forgot  . . . apparently.

Someone stole more than a third of Australia’s total supply of curling stones (maybe five or six). They were being delivered in a refrigerated truck which, not surprisingly, was stolen because someone thought it was full of booze. Now, the thieves have got stones and no booze and Australian curlers have no stones and probably lots of booze. Next time, they might consider delivering their stones on an open flatbed truck. I know the stones are going to be played on ice but they’re not going to melt, even in Australia.

Have you heard  of Ted Global, the annual conference at Oxford in England dedicated to “ideas worth spreading?” One of this year’s ideas is a way to transmit electricity without wires, but for short distances (100 feet). Imagine though if your local utility could just “transmit” power to your home or your car wirelessly . . . no poles, no wires, no plugs. The down side would probably have something to do with getting “over-volted” and having your hair stand on end all the time. 

Your next Porsche could be a Volkswagen now that Porsche CEO Wendelin Wiedeking has resigned and taken a $70 million buyout. Wendelin (his friends probably call him Wendy) wanted Porsche to take over VW and now that he’s stepped down, VW is expected to take over Porsche. I’ve always wanted a cab with a rear engine that makes vroom, vroom sounds. Of course, the ride would cost you more and, well, there wouldn’t be room for the whole family so they’d  have to follow in a yellow Ford.

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US President Barack Obama is pushing health care reform while members of Congress argue over details of the reform. Although 47 million Americans are not insured and 25 million are underinsured, members of Congress are fully insured. So, there’s no rush.

If you’re under the knife in Turkmenistan keep one eye open. The president, a dentist named Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov,  was allowed to do the first, ceremonial operation at a new cancer hospital. The patient, probably a member of the opposition, is still kicking and screaming. Now, Turkmenistan officials (both of them) are recommending the president’s new book on medicinal plants. If he gives you a choice between brain surgery and chewing on a leaf, take the leaf.

South Africa’s poorest people are protesting in the streets. They want basic services like water and electricity and the police are using rubber bullets to shut them up. Why doesn’t somebody just give them what they want? If you didn’t have a TV to watch or a toilet to flush or a sink to wash in, wouldn’t you be protesting? I sure would. I’d even use my cab.

The US Senate said no to a gun-advocate law that would have made it legal to bring a licensed gun from one state to another, sort of a universal licence to take-your-guns-to-town. If it had passed, you can imagine people from Texas visiting New York with their six guns in their holsters and their big old hats. I’m not saying I don’t allow guns in my cab. If you’ve got a gun, I just drive you where you want to go and I don’t sweat the tip.

The English language is spreading fast. Just check out the latest edition of the German dictionary, Duden (derived, no doubt, from the English word . . . Dude). German teenage boys can now say they’re going to ‘eine after-show-party’ to meet ‘das it girl’ - - - although I doubt she’ll still be there.  One of the 5,000 new words in this edition of the dictionary is vorratsdatenspeicherung, a 23-letter word which means the saving of data relating to supplies. No wonder they need English!

Henry Markram, director of the Blue Brain Project, says a functional, artificial human brain can be built within the next 10 years.  The question is, Will it fit in the cab?

Jupiter was just hit by a comet or asteroid which left a gash about the size of the earth. The same thing could happen here, too, but it is not likely to happen before Thanksgiving and, the odds are, not till Christmas and, if we’re lucky, we have until Sarah Palin runs for the White House, so, 2012 . . . or longer. Just kidding. It could happen tomorrow. That’ll be $53.50.

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If information overload troubles you, share my cab. I’ll give you three or four bits of useless information every day. It will be enough to get you through your morning meeting, or your overnight flight or just to tell your partner when you get home. Tip me big!

Today you can brag that New Zealand is 1,400 miles (2,250 km) from Australia (Most people think it’s much closer). You can add that it is a little closer now, about 12 inches, because a recent  earthquake reduced the gape. If you are a math whiz or have a lot of time on your hands, you might want to work out how many earthquakes it would take to join New Zealand and Australia, but not in my cab.

Boeing, which has had trouble getting its big-ass Dreamliner in the air, has found a technical solution to the problem of weakness in an upper wing joint. It is going to add a little reinforcement. If you want to be the first to find out if that worked, book a flight. I’m staying in my cab.

If you’re a former Indian president, you’re supposed to be treated well at Indian airports. That didn’t happen when former Indian president APJ Abdul Kalam tried to board a Continental Airlines flight to the US. He was forced to remove his shoes and he was frisked. Now the airline has apologized and added that he has very nice feet. 

Sarah Palin may be ducking out of Alaska just in time. She may have violated state ethics laws by soliciting and accepting private donations to pay $500,000 in legal debts (lawyers eh). The Alaska Fund Trust was set up to help her defend against more than a dozen ethics complaints filed since she became governor. Does she really need the money? Isn’t she a regular on Saturday Night Live? And how about that book deal? Tell you one thing, she can ride in my cab for free. Then again, so can Tina Fey.