Swiss, Iranians Go Ape

I’m telling you, the monkeys are driving the cab again. First, Iran announces 10 new uranium enrichment plants - does anybody there know how to spell suicide - then the Swiss voted to ban the building of minarets, those pointy things they put on mosques. The Swiss are afraid too many minarets will mean too many Muslims. The Iranians aren’t afraid of anything so they’ve jacked it up to top speed and turned off the headlights in their game of chicken with the world. Fasten your seat belts because a crash is coming . . . oh but not until your tip is in my pocket.

Dirty Kids Heal Faster

If you’re worried about your children’s dirty hands, feet and faces, don’t. It turns out that being too clean can impair the skin’s ability to heal. Being dirty can get in the way of many things, that’s true, but being clean won’t help your child’s scrapped knee to heal. Ditch the sanitizer.


Afghan Corruption . . . Oh Yeah!

Two Afghan cabinet ministers are under investigation for alleged corruption and a further 15 former ministers are also being investigated on suspicion of corruption. If the investigators weren’t corrupt, they’d probably be onto something.

White House Pregnancy Predicted

The 2010 edition of Ireland’s Old Moore’s Almanac predicts the Obamas will have another child with Michelle getting pregnant in the middle of the year. Old Moore’s Almanac was first published in 1764 by Dubliner Theophilus Moore. In 1764, Theophilus predicted rain.

Lost Australian Likes It That Way

An 81-year-old Australian who got lost and went 370 miles out of his way in search of a newspaper says he will never buy a GPS navigation device because he enjoys being lost. His wife says that’s good because he’s lost most of the time.

Africa’s Population Exploding

Africa’s population has doubled in the last 27 years and now tops one billion. Experts say the rapid growth is due to a young population with access to everything but birth control.

Booze A Life Saver

Spanish researchers say drinking alcohol every day can reduce the risk of heart attack in men by one-third. Women who drink don’t get the same health benefit, although researchers said they are more fun.

Clean Freak Turns Himself In

Because they found his apartment was vacant but very clean, police figured that a security van driver who disappeared along $17.4 million had planned the heist. Sure enough, the van operator turned himself in. “He seemed confused, he acted strangely,” police said, adding that his biggest worry was that his apartment might not have been clean enough.


Hypnosis Works Even On The Bowel

Scientists who took brain images during hypnosis said it actually works and “primes” the brain to be open to suggestion. That’s why it is being used to treat people who want to lose weight or stop smoking. It is also being used to treat irritable bowel syndrome suggesting that some people really do have their heads up their asses.


Gaddafi Preaches To Beauty

They had to be beautiful women between 18 and 35 and at least five-foot six-inches tall and modestly dressed. The 200 who made it into the reception room in Rome to meet their mystery host waited an hour before Libya’s leader Col. Muammar Gaddafi showed up and lectured them for two hours on the benefits of Islam, saying it is not misogynistic, and encouraging them to convert. For their trouble, they each got $75 and a copy of the Koran. For his part, Gaddafi got to check out 200 hot women who were neither in a tent nor wearing one.

Chemicals Feminizing Boys

Males exposed to high doses of chemicals in plastics while in the womb have smaller penises and brains that are more feminine. The bad chemicals, phthalates, are banned in toys but they are found in plastic furniture and packaging. Boys who are overexposed don’t want to play rough games but they love ballet.


GM Paying Back

General Motors, which owes the US government $6.7 billion and the Canadian government $1.4 billion, will start repaying both loans this year. The $10 payments, along with a box of chocolates, should be in the mail before Christmas.


The Irish Have Stopped Eating

One in three restaurants in Ireland is losing money and may have to close putting 21,000 out of work. The Restaurant Association wants government to reduce the minimum wage and end higher pay for Sunday work. The workers are just waiting to see how badly they are going to get screwed.

Thatcher Not Dead

When Canadian Transport Minister John Baird’s beloved cat died, he wanted to let everyone know, so he sent this message: “Thatcher is dead.” That led to some confusion and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was about to send his condolences when aides learned Baird was talking about his cat which was named after his heroine, Margaret Thatcher, who is 84 and still purring.

Gay Priest Entering Same-Sex Union

A 70-year-old, retired Canadian priest in Toronto plans to marry his partner to become the first North American priest in a same-sex marriage. No word from the Vatican as to whether the newlyweds should expect the pension cheques to continue.

Vatican Looks To Heavens For Converts

The Vatican, which has burned and locked up scholars for suggesting there is life on other planets, is now exploring whether there is extraterrestrial alien life as a way to gain new members. “If they’re out there, we want them.”


Gamers Dumped by Microsoft

One million gamers who modified their consoles to play pirated video games have been permanently banned by Microsoft from playing Xbox Live online. Now, the pissed-off gamers will have find something else to do . . . to Microsoft’s new software perhaps.


No Double Dipping

Catholic churches in Italy are installing automatic holy water dispensers to help reduce the risk of spreading swine flu. In a completely separate prevention program, they’re installing cameras to reduce the risk to altar boys.

Loud Sex Couple Still Guilty

A woman who was banned from making loud noises during sex has lost an appeal against her conviction. She argued she has a right to “respect for her private family life.” Neighbors countered there was nothing private about sex screams from the couple that went on for hours, clearly a sign that the couple is not only seeking attention, they are showing off as well.

Drunken Pilot Taken Off Plane

A United Airlines pilot has been arrested just before taking off from Heathrow to Chicago with 124 passengers and a crew of 11 on board. Everyone was transferred to another plane and, after the crew passed a breathalyzer test, they were cleared for takeoff.


Russian Cops Are Crooks

Russian officials have admitted police corruption saying that some parts of the police have become criminal businesses. Police say they are paid so little they are forced to arrest people just so they can make them pay bribes. They say it’s a business model that always works.

Two Koreas Clash

North and South Korea have clashed in the Yellow Sea. The South Koreans say a North Korean vessel crossed into their waters where gunfire was exchanged. The South Korean ship was not damaged but the North Korean ship was in flames as it headed for home to a heroes welcome for destroying the entire South Korean navy, humiliating the US fleet and causing the financial collapse of the entire Western world.

Curves Are Smarter

Curvy women are likely to be smarter than thin counterparts and may produce more intelligent offspring. Scientists say one should look for the greatest difference between the waist and the hips because the booty stores Omega-3 which could improve the mental abilities of both the child and mother, even if the father is an idiot.

Engineered Penis Works

Scientists have been able to completely replace the erectile tissue of the penis in rabbits. The rabbits who were given the engineered tissue were able to function sexually and produce offspring. I’m just saying.

Wal-Mart In Funeral Biz

Wal-Mart has started selling coffins at cut-rate prices. If you think you’ve got a year, you can even get yours by paying over 12 months, interest free. If you’re on a tighter time line, the retailer says they can ship within 48 hours. Funeral directors say they can beat that time line with in-stock coffins and they’ll even throw in a funeral home and, of course, a greeter.


Ocean Liner Offers Zip Lining

The Oasis of the Seas, the world’s largest ocean liner, is 1,200 feet long and 16 decks high. When Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines begins cruises from Miami in December, they will be able to accommodate more than 6,000 passengers who will be able to swim, golf and go zip lining, which should really speed things up if they ever have to abandon ship.


Somali Pirates Struggling Financially

A British couple seized by Somali pirates will need to come up with $7 million in ransom according to pirates holding them. The amount was set high because of all the damage the international anti-pirate force has done to the pirate business off Somalia lately. As one of the pirates put it, “The rest of the world may be fine but we’re going through a real economic downturn.”

Size Zero Not Attractive

A study has found that young men don’t find size zero girls as attractive as “normal” sized girls. The study also found they don’t like overweight girls either which left scientists to conclude that even young men are pigs.

Fox, Obama Not

The Obama administration has apparently gone to war with Fox news arguing that what Fox delivers is not news, which is fair since Fox has always argued that Obama is not a president.

112-Year-Old Man Takes Teen Bride

A 112 year old Somali man has married for the fifth time and his new bride is just 17. After the ceremony, the groom said he hoped they would have children, then he feel asleep and wet himself.

Best Marriage Odds With Smarter, Younger Wife

Experts say that the formula for successful marriage is for the man to be five years older and for the wife to be smarter than her husband. Course if she’s that smart, aren’t you wondering, “What is she doing with me?”


Female Spared Lash, Guy Is Toast

The Saudi king has waived a sentence of 60 lashes against a female journalist working for a TV channel which aired accounts of sex in the kingdom. The guy who bragged about his Saudi sex life is not so lucky. He got five years and 1,000 lashes and the king doesn’t seem to care.


Lost Pilots Could Be Fired

This is a shocker. The Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot their destination by more than 140 miles could be fired. The pilots told investigators they didn’t fall asleep, they were just lost in conversation. Really lost!

Farmer Cashing in on Fake Meteorite Crater

A Latvian farmer is charging curious people to see a meteorite crash site on his farm even though experts now say it is just a hole dug by a back hoe which was made to look like a crater. While visitors are allowed to view the crater, the farmer says the payment does not allow them to see the back hoe.

McDonald’s Pulls Out of Iceland

Because of the high cost of importing food, McDonald’s is pulling out of Iceland. The owner of the three McDonald’s restaurants will reopen under an Icelandic name and serve local food. Welcome to Reindeer Burgers.

North Korean Women Dress Oppressed

Here’s some back seat information you could do without. North Korean women are not allowed to ride bicycles and they must wear dresses instead of pants. If they are late for work, probably because they weren’t allowed to ride their bicycles, they are sent to labour camps. Otherwise, things are good.

44 Wealthy Germans Go Mad

I love the rich, especially when they tip big. A group of wealthy Germans is petitioning the government to tax them more to fund economic and social programs to aid Germany’s economic recovery. Of the 2.2 million richest Germans, 44 have so far signed the petition and been barred from their country clubs.

African Bishops Dump On African Leaders

Some African bishops have decided to cast the first stone. Roman Catholic bishops from across Africa have called on Africa’s corrupt leaders to either repent or step down. The leaders, including prominent Catholics Zimbabwean leader Robert Mugabe and Angolan President Eduardo Dos Santos, have all opted to repent.

Pilots Miss Airport

A Northwest Airlines Airbus, on a flight from San Diego to Minneapolis, overflew its destination by 144 miles. The crew said they were distracted during a heated discussion over airline policy and lost track of their location. The 144 passengers knew exactly where they were . . . in mortal danger!

Pot Smoker Wanted

The alternative Denver newspaper, Westword, is in the market for a marijuana critic to write about Colorado’s medical marijuana dispensaries. The pay is meagre, the pot will not be free and the writer must have a medical ailment that allows him or her to go to dispensaries and use marijuana. The column will probably be laid back.

Playing Through

Nullarbor Links, the world’s longest golf course, is spread over two Australian states and covers 848 miles. It takes about a week to play, driving up to 60 miles between holes. Lost balls are usually recovered by dingos. If they go into the water, golfers are advised to leave them to the crocodiles.

Bad Diet Blinding

New studies show you can escape macular degeneration by eating fish, nuts, greens and foods rich in vitamins C and E. Or, you can smoke, eat white bread and foods high in sugar and go blind.

White Wine Bad for Teeth

Acid in white wine - especially rieslings - erodes tooth enamel far more than red wine, although you can ease the problem by eating cheese with your wine. If you have white wine with your meal, wait 30 minutes before brushing your teeth and going to bed because weakened enamel could be brushed away. If you’re drinking the wine in bed, you’re probably not thinking about your teeth.

Afghan Opium

Afghanistan has a monopoly on illegal opium production that brings in $65 billion a year. Why aren’t we in on this?

Ironic

A British man who faked accidents so his victims could make insurance claims has been sentenced to four and half years in prison but he had his licence suspended for just three and a half years. Odd!

Pope Snags Anglican Bigots

Pope Benedict XVI (Benny for short) has created a new church structure for disillusioned - read bigoted - Anglicans who are against the ordination of women, the election of openly gay bishops and the blessing of same-sex unions. So it’s official, the Catholic Church has a bigot branch.

No Married Bishops

The new canonical provision allowing Anglicans to become Anglican-Catholics also allows married Anglican priests to become ordained Catholic priests. However, married Catholic-Anglican priests cannot become Catholic bishops because you don’t want women (officially) in bed with the guys with the tall hats, fat rings and big rectories.

Catholic Priests Could Switch to Anglican

Now that Anglican priests can become Catholic priests, isn’t it time for Catholic priests to become Anglican priests? Anglican priests can be gay, straight or bi, they can marry in any direction or play the congregation and the choir and they get to work for the queen. Later, if you have a change of heart and you really can’t support female or gay clergy and gay unions of any kind, you could probably double back, become an Catholic-Anglican (bigot branch) again and keep the wife, the kiddies and the Land Rover.

Fatism Bad

Discriminating against someone for being fat - fatism - should be as criminal as discriminating on grounds of race, age or religion, according to members of the Size Acceptance Movement. They say fat people are stared at, pointed at and talked about, even when they are not struggling into their assigned airline seats.

Karzai Did Not Win, Yet

Afghan President Hamid Karzai did not gain enough votes in the recent election for an outright win. During the runoff election, there will have to be even more vote rigging.

New Instrument, Sort Of

A software engineer has taken eight years to develop a new musical instrument that sounds like every other synthesized musical instrument ever invented. Another thing about the Eigenharp that is not unique is that it was designed for live performance. Well done!

Rabbits Become Bunnyfuel

Thousands of rabbits hunted in Sweden as part of a yearly cull are ground up and fed into incineraters to heat homes. In the town where they are supplying home heating, reaction to bunnyfuel is relaxed but in Stockholm people think the bunnies are too cute to burn and should be eaten.

Teen Trying to Sail World

A 16-year-old Australian girl, who recently dozed off and crashed her bright pink yacht into a cargo ship on a training run, has embarked on a quest to be the youngest person to sail unassisted around the world. Maritime officials say she’ll be okay if she can stay awake for the next 328 days or so.


Hitler Is Dead

A billboard announcing “Hitler is not dead” - one of many advertising famous dead people to promote Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks in Pattaya, Thailand - has been covered up after numerous complaints. While people don’t seem to care whether other famous dead people are really dead, they don’t want to take any chances with Hitler.

A-ha . . . vho?

The British pop group A-ha has announced they are breaking up after 25 years, mainly because no one has heard of them.

Green is Good

Living close to green space results in a lower rate of illness, including mental illnesses like depression and anxiety, which is probably why squirrels are so chipper.

Did Italian Soldiers Buy Their Safety?

A Taliban commander says Italian troops paid money wherever they were posted in Afghanistan and successfully avoided being attacked. The Berlusconi government denied the allegations saying “we only pay for hookers.”

Osama Strapped

Al-Quaeda is in bad financial shape and begging for donations from the usual sources who are more afraid of the Taliban and giving the money to them. So, it’s true, the old guy with the beard and the tin cup really is Osama.

Stalin’s Grandson a Loser

Joseph Stalin’s grandson has lost a court claim that a Russian newspaper defamed the Soviet dictator by calling him a tyrant. If Hitler had a grandson they could launch a class action suit.

Dow Up, Look Down

The Dow stock index has broken 10,000 for the first time in a year. Can staggering executive bonuses and a depression be far behind?

Lovers On The Brink

A state in Malaysia is offering free second honeymoons to couples on the brink of divorce. The lucky couples get to spend two nights arguing at a scenic island resort before dividing up the furniture.

Veggie Spider Delicious

Scientists have discovered a vegetarian spider that dines only on plants before it is eaten by one of the other 40,000 species of meat-eating spiders.

Carly Simon Off Coffee

Singer Carly Simon is suing Starbucks Corp. saying the coffee company's now-defunct music venture didn't adequately promote her 2008 album, This Kind of Love, dooming the record before it was even released. Later, they slashed the price and “stigmatized” the album as an album that could not be sold at full price, much the same way the recessions has stigmatized Starbucks’ products.

Pirates Smelled the Garlic

A group of Somali pirates was captured after they attacked a French navy ship, at night, by mistake. The pirates said they couldn’t see the ship, they were just going by the smell of roasted garlic simmered in a delicate red wine sauce.

France/Egypt Art Exchange

France’s Louvre Museum says it might be open to returning ancient Egyptian fresco fragments to Egypt, but France wants the pyramids back first.

New York Poops on Pop

New York is in the middle of a “pouring on the pounds” campaign designed to wean New Yorkers off pop. Americans are drinking themselves fat by consuming 15 billion gallons of pop annually. Each 550 ml serving may contain up to 17 teaspoons of sugar, enough to supersize anyone.

The Race to Throw Up

Racing fans at the three-day Bathurst 1000 in Australia are being limited to 24 cans of beer a day or four litres of wine per day. Anyone drinking over the limit will not be allowed to race.

Biting The Hand That Feeds Millions

Pakistani Taliban militants have claimed responsibility for a suicide bomb attack on a UN office in which five people were killed, saying the United Nations was a US slave. So the millions of impoverished Pakistanis who depend on UN aid are free to do what?

Laying The Blame

US Defence Secretary Robert Gates has blamed past US failures in Afghanistan on the fact that too few troops were deployed. Future US failures will be blamed on something else.

It’s Up To The Boys

Some Christian families in the US are have large numbers of children and, in their belief, providing a new generation of moral leaders. Quiverfull families believe in male domination and insist that the government cannot fix America's problems, but that their children could, well the boys at least.

Spanking Judge

A former US judge accused of having sex with inmates in exchange for lighter sentences, resigned as a judge in 2007 after allegations that he spanked prisoners with a paddle. Prisoners said they didn’t object to the spanking as much as the makeup sex that followed.

Niqab Not Islamic

Egypt's highest Muslim authority says he will issue a religious edict against the wearing of the niqab, which he says is a custom that has nothing to do with the Islamic faith. When he heard the news, French President Nicolas Sarkozy said, sarcastically, “I told you so” in French, of course.

iPhones Won’t Get Flash

Full-blown Flash technology is moving to most smart phones allowing users to view videos the way they would at home. The only holdout is Apple which does not use Flash on the iPhone. Even if they can’t get videos like everyone else, Apple says iPhone users should continue to act and feel superior.

Tigers Take a Bite

A man found bleeding and seriously injured outside the Calgary zoo had apparently broken into the zoo and put his arm in the tigers’ cage proving, once again, that too many beers can seriously impair judgment.

Probiotic Benefits Dismissed

Probiotic, prebiotic, antibiotic. It’s confusing. Now, a European team of experts has dismissed claims for probiotic drinks and yogurts. In the future, manufacturers will have to be more specific about the culture strain so scientists can easily examine any claimed benefits such as the ability to outrun a bear and/or to poop on command (there may be a connection).


Spies Didn’t Bug PM

Former British Labour Prime Minister Harold Wilson always believed he was being bugged by the British spy agency MI5. In fact, MI5, which turns 100 this year, had a file on him but no bugs. It’s probably more accurate to say that the late prime minister bugged them because of his socialist policies and his incessant pipe smoking.


Church Squeamish About Sex Change

A transgendered substitute teacher fired by a Roman Catholic public school board near Edmonton, Alberta, has complained to the human rights commission. Jan Buterman, who is changing from a woman to a man, said his medical condition shouldn’t result in his dismissal. The Catholic Church says the change would just confuse Catholic students who are confused enough, what with everything that’s been going on with the clergy lately.

100 The New 80

Half the babies born now will live to be 100 according to a study published in The Lancet journal (the other half will likely take up smoking). They also said man could have four stages of life - child, adult, young old age and old old age. That’s when all your pensions have run out and you have to get your old paper route back.


Depressed Terrier Farmed Out

Former French President Jacques Chirac has given up on his “depressed” Maltese terrier after the dog bit him for the third time, once sinking his teeth into an “unnamed” body part. Ouch! Chirac has given the dog to French farmer with a short fuse and a shotgun.


Love, Not!

A Detroit man who pleaded guilty to stealing a woman’s car while they were on their first date has been sentenced to two years in jail. In his defence, the man said, “I just wasn’t that into her.”

Candy Makes You Crazy

I used to envy the kids at school who could afford candy, like the local dentist’s daughter. It turns out that kids who get daily sweets, including chocolate, are more likely to become violent adults. A study found that 10-year-olds who ate sweets daily were “significantly” more likely to have a violence conviction by age 34. Here’s a tip. Don’t ask you daughter’s boyfriend where he went to school, find out what he was eating when he was 10.

Smoking Mom Makes You Crazy

The old cab is full of science today, not good stuff either. Scientists say mothers who smoke during pregnancy put their children at greater risk of psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations. The more you smoke, the worse it gets. Like my mother used to say, some things you can do in moderation, some things you can’t do at all.

Iran Makes Everyone Crazy

US officials spoke directly with Iranian officials when they meet in Geneva on Thursday along with representatives from Britain, France, Russia, Germany and China. They agreed to meet again but this time the Americans want movement on the nuclear issue and Iranians want to meet Brad Pitt.


Afghanistan Makes You Sad

Coalition forces in Afghanistan are going to have to adopt a “dramatically different” strategy, according to US General Stanley McChrystal. Go home, that would be different.

Sanctions Yes, Jellybeans No

Iran’s president Ahmadinejad - his friends call him Nukie - says increased sanctions will only make his country stronger, although he’s hoping they don’t cut off the jellybeans. He likes the red ones.

Down There

Feminine hygiene commercials and teachers and mothers who tell young girls not to touch themselves “down there” have a negative impact on female sexual self esteem. Fathers who tell their sons not to touch themselves down there don’t exist.

Palin Speeches Not Selling

Although she made a recent speech in Hong Kong, industry insiders say Sarah Palin is not selling on the lecture circuit “because they think she is a blithering idiot.” This does not bode well for George Bush.

Clown Doing Space Flips

Canadian billionaire Gy Laliberte, the founder of Cirque du Soleil, rocketed into space aboard a Russian spacecraft for a few days of space tourism during which time he expects to do a few clown back flips. Back on Earth, his employees do the back flips.

Wave

There’s Twitter and Flutter (fewer characters) and now Google is taking Wave to public trial. Wave combines email, instant messaging and wiki-style editing, which means your friends can watch as you write your messages in real time. Imagine the anticipation.


Witchcraft Fears Cost Rowling Honour

Some US politicians believe Harry Potter author JK Rowling “encouraged witchcraft” and that’s why she never earned the President’s Medal of Freedom during the Bush years. Bush thought her chances would have been better if she had given him some of Harry’s pottery and Cheney thought she was writing about him.

Death to Fakers

A leading Egyptian scholar, who is probably crap in bed, is demanding the death penalty for people caught importing a female virginity-faking device. The $15 device releases liquid imitating blood, allowing a female to feign virginity on her wedding night. The other options are hymen repair and/or lying.

No Divorce During Celebration

Marriage will be allowed but no divorce during an eight-day celebration of 60 years of communist rule in China. Because of the number of marriages, officials say they just wouldn’t be able to cope with divorces during the festival, which begins Thursday. People who can’t wait for their divorce should just fly to Vegas.

Negative Messages Get Through

Negative subliminal messages work according to new research being done at University College, London. However, if your negative subliminal messages aren’t getting through, there is always the old standby, “Piss off!”

Iran’s On The Doo-Doo Track

Iran is building a new nuclear plant, they’re firing missiles to show they are “prepared to crush any military threat from any other country.” How much showing off do you have to do before you get bombed? I guess we’ll find out.

Pot to be Legal in California, Maybe

California, which legalized medical marijuana in 1996, may now become the first state to fully legalize marijuana. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said the state is broke, so they could use the tax revenue, and parts of it are on fire. “We need a pick-me-up.”


Swiss No Longer Neutral

The Swiss have been giving things up lately. They gave up their once-secret bank records to foreign governments so they could tax sheltered money. They gave up Oscar winning film director Roman Polanski up so he can face charges in the US. And now it is remoured they are giving up chocolate. It was either that or watches.

Saudi University Unveiled

A new university opening in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, will allow male and female students to mix freely, except in female-only residences. The females don’t have to wear veils in mixed classes and they will be allowed to drive on campus, all because the university is outside the jurisdiction of the religious police. The religious police will be waiting at the university gates, however, ready to pounce on any female student who shows her face.

Gel With a Twist

The Brits like their alcohol. One hospital had to remove antibacterial gel dispensers because visitors were using the stuff to get drunk. Now, a prisoner has done the same thing causing officials to remove all the gel dispensers in the prison system. Both inmates and guards are upset. As one guard put it, “The gel was tasty.”

Anglo Saxon Men’s Gold

A British guy with a metal detector has found hundreds of gold and silver pieces from the 7th Century. The find, worth millions, is mostly weapon fittings. Curiously, there are no feminine objects among the 1,500 Anglo Saxon pieces found which has archaeologists wondering . . . well they’re just wondering, that’s all.

Nudists Just Want to Ramble

German nudists want the right go rambling along their own footpath in a secluded area in what was formerly East Germany. However, there is opposition from the locals who say there are some people who just shouldn’t be seen naked.

Trump's Tent

Officials in Bedford, N.Y., have order workers to stop building a tent for Libyan leader Colonel Muammar Gaddafi citing local bylaws. The colonel wanted the tent so he could entertain during the UN General Assembly in New York. The Bedford property, it turns out, is owned by Donald Trump who has a tent too, but he wears it on his head.

Fat People Can’t See It

Only seven per cent of obese people questioned in a UK poll realized they were obese. More than half the people deemed morbidly obese said they ate a healthy diet and more than one-third of the morbidly obese said they had never tried dieting. The two-thirds who did try dieting didn’t like it, although they said the diet meals were tasty when eaten with a large side of chips and gravy.

Electric Car Noises Being Considered

Electric car makers are experimenting with sounds to make the silent cars more audible to pedestrians. Nissan has tried chimes, melodies and whirring aircraft sounds from the film The Blade Runner. That one sort of worked but pedestrians kept looking up.

Ausie Cops Caught Nude

Two Australian policemen, part of an elite emergency response squad, were caught frolicking naked outside an unmarked police van following a stag party. Both officers are embarrassed, of course, but at least they’re out of the closet.

Alcohol Improves Brain Trauma Outcomes

Alcohol may become part of the treatment for brain trauma in the future because emergency doctors have found that people who have alcohol in their bloodstream are less likely to die of brain trauma. They have also noticed that people with alcohol in their bloodstream are more like to suffer brain trauma.


Smoking Bans Lower Heart Attack Rate

I used to suffer secondhand smoke in the cab but this has been a smoke-free zone for years, a very good thing and here’s proof. Studies show that smoking bans in public places in Europe and North America, which went into effect in 2007, have cut heart attacks by a third, probably saving hundreds of thousands of lives. Pity we can’t get everyone to quit.

Afghan Failure a Familiar Prediction

Generals, admirals. I’ve had em all in my cab and when they talk, people listen. The top US and Nato commander says the mission in Afghanistan will fail unless more troops are brought in. I hate to remind him but similar predictions were made by Russian generals who actually did bring in more troops.

Ramp Up Now, Stiff Us Later

Prices aren’t high enough for the oil companies. The head of the oil giant Total puts it in perspective though when he says the world could face a shortage of oil because of under investment. In spite of the worldwide recession and lack of demand, he wants oil companies and oil-producing countries like Saudi Arabia, Brazil and Canada to spend money now so they will be ready to open the taps when demand picks up. In other worlds, if you want to screw the consumer properly, you must prepare. Words to live by.


Blockhead Move

There are so many blockhead politicians, I often wonder where they come from. Here’s a source. Dr. Phil recently had a couple on his TV show who confessed to a shoplifting spree across the US and then reselling the loot on e-Bay. Now, they have been indicted on several crimes which could get them a big fine and years in jail. Joe Wilson is not alone.

Dog, Man on Run

An Australian man is on the run after springing his dog from death row. Ron Gilbertson’s dog, Max, was to be put down for mauling sheep before Ron busted him out of the pound. Gilbertson has been found and he’s going to turn himself in. It’s doubtful that Max will do the same.

Unhealthy Men Die Sooner, Love Less

Scientists say unhealthy men who smoke and have high cholesterol die 10 years before their healthier counterparts. That’s 10 years of good sex you’re missing boys along with the other 40 years of good sex you missed because of your smoker’s breath.

Ramadan Threats

A Moroccan man who led a group that wanted to lift a ban on public eating during Ramadan was threatened with death 100 times, maybe 101. He was so stressed he lost count.

Iran’s President Big on Tooth Ferry

Iranian President Mohamoud Ahmadinejad has again denied the Holocaust saying it was based on a “mythical claim,” unlike the tooth ferry which he said is based on sound Iranian science.

No Missiles Now But Wait Until 2012

Plans for missile bases in Poland and the Czech Republic have been scrapped by US President Barack Obama. The Russians are happy, the Democrats say the move is sensible and will save money and the Republicans say just wait 'til Sarah Palin is president.

Tallest Man Has Downside

The world’s tallest man, Sultan Kosen from Turkey, is in the market for a wife. On the bright side, the eight-foot-one-inch Kosen can change light bulbs and hang curtains without a ladder. The downside? He’s not really a sultan.

FedEx Charging More

FedEx has found a way to rescue sagging sales or at least raise more money from the sales they get in the future. They plan to increase prices. If this actually works . . . well, it won’t.

EU Wants to Reign in Bonuses

The European Union wants bonuses for bank executives to be tied to long-term performance. Bankers are opposed saying they prefer the current rock-n-roll system: Money for nothing, cheques for free.

Magazine Video Screen Gets Mixed Reviews

They’ve inserted video screens in the US magazine Entertainment Weekly. Some readers like the novelty but others say the video insert is too bulky, while Kanye West complains the videos aren’t about Beyonce or him.

Promiscuous Ad Pulled

Denmark is pulling a ‘promiscuous’ video that critics say sends the message that Denmark is a place to go to have unprotected sex with strangers. On the bright side, many people who saw the video before it was pulled have booked trips to Denmark hoping to have unprotected sex with strangers.

Colour Blindness Cured

Scientists believe they have found a genetic cure for colour blindness. Adult monkeys without the ability to distinguish between the colours red and green have had full colour vision restored. Now the monkeys can see what we see, that everything is pointless.

98-Year-Old Troublemaker Evicted

A 98-year-old British woman has been evicted from her Southampton flat for harassing neighbors, caregivers and police. She banged on neighbors’ windows, used her panic alarm 563 times in a month and called police 264 times over the past two years. This is a woman who probably needs a cat.

Graft, Corruption Supported by Parliament, Police

Indonesia’s corruption commission has been investigating the police and now the police have implicated the commissioners in crimes of bribery and murder. Parliament is on side with the police and they plan to pass a bill later this month to ensure that both graft and corruption continue to flourish as long as politicians and the police get their fair share.

Kidnapping Faked, Whuppin For Real

An 11-year-old Alabama boy didn’t want to bring a poor report card home so he faked his own kidnapping. He told police he escaped with his band instrument, a tuba, but left behind his school bag containing the report card. Police said they aren’t planning to lay any charges but the boy is expected to get a double whuppin.

Computer Filter Worked Too Well

Schools in Beijing are removing the Green Dam filter that was supposed to filter out ‘unhealthy’ sites such as porn. School officials said it actually prevented them from doing anything with their computers so you can’t say, technically, that it didn’t work.

Twittered Goats Flee Nepal

Sacrificial goats are in short supply in Nepal ahead of the Dashain festival which begins September 19. Goats are traditionally slaughtered during the 15-day event to appease Durga, an important Hindu goddess. Officials are trying to round up 6,000 goats but so far they have only found 240 amid fears that the country’s techie goats were warned about the festival on Twitter and fled the country.

Husband Number 23 Please

A 107-year-old Malaysian woman may be in the market for husband number 23. It all hinges on whether husband number 22, who is just 37 and in a drug rehab program, is still hot for her once his head clears. If he’s not, she’s putting out her well-worn welcome mat.

Rapper Needed Attention

Rap star Kanye West is sorry for interrupting the acceptance speech of country singer Taylor Swift at the MTV VIdeo Music Awards. West said he would never have done it if anybody had been paying any attention to him.

Williams Aced the Fine

Tennis star Serena Williams has apologized for her outburst at the US Open where she swore at the lines-woman for calling a foot fault. In spite of her apology, Williams was fined $10,000 for the outburst, an amount she happened to have in her change purse.

Lambs to the Slaughter

A hand-fed school lamb, part of a British primary school program designed to teach children about the food chain, has been slaughtered upsetting some pupils so much that trauma counsellors had to be called in. The counsellors expect to be even busier after phase-two of the program. Really cute, smart, sensitive hand-fed pigs will be butchered so the kids can learn about sausage making.

Groping Big in Tokyo

Tokyo police are cracking down on gropers who use the daily commute to take advantage of fellow passengers who are jammed together for rush-hour rides. Last year, more than 6,000 people were arrested on suspicion of groping but most got off arguing they were just reaching for their change, waving to friends or winding their Seiko watches.

Dead Ducks Didn’t Read Warning Signs

Syncrude Canada Ltd. says the company is not guilty of environmental charges stemming from the deaths of 1,603 ducks last year in one of the company’s toxic oil sands tailings ponds in Northern Alberta. A company lawyer said they have already expressed “deep regret” to the ducks and they hope, in the future, ducks will heed larger warning signs and land somewhere else.

Cha Ching

A young Chinese woman paid $600,000 for a Tibetan Mastiff, although the large, fierce dogs typically sell for about $2,000 outside of China. Asked to comment on the sale, the ethnic Tibetan who sold the dog said, “Cha Ching!”

Elton Wants to be Daddy

Sir Elton John and his partner David Furnish want to adopt an orphan they met in Ukraine. John said the 14-month-old toddler named Lev had “stolen my heart.” London’s children’s wear shops are gearing up to steal his money.

No Thanks Kraft

Cadbury has said no to a $17 billion offer from Kraft saying, essentially, that the Kraft offer was cheesy.

Chicken Parts

China and the US are stepping up their trade war. The US slapped tariffs on car and light truck tires from China and China fought back saying the US is dumping auto and chicken parts on them. It’s true about the chicken parts. Colonel Sanders gets the wings and legs, Swiss Chalet gets the breasts and thighs and China gets the feet.

Reality Show Bites Contestants

I can’t count the number of people I’ve driven to reality show auditions but none of them turned out this badly. Nine female “contestants” in Turkey were held for two months in a villa in Istanbul. After they were freed by military police, the nine said they were not sexually abused but they were required to fight each other and dance in bikinis while being filmed for the internet. There were arrests made but the ringleader got away. Meanwhile, the women are demanding to know which contestant won.

Pigeon Outruns High Speed

Pigeons are useful birds when they’re not raining down on the old windshield. Take Winston, a South African pigeon. He is faster than the country’s internet broad band. He carried a a 4GB memory stick 60 miles in two hours. In the same time, the country’s ADSL broadband system sent just a fraction of one GB. Microsoft would like to use the pigeon in its advertising but sources close to the bird say Winston is a Mac.

Japanese Space Freighter Set to Park

Japan has sent a space freighter into orbit. The 16.5-tonne unmanned H-II Transfer Vehicle is on a mission to resupply the space station if it can safely dock with the station. Designers say that won’t be a problem, adding that the parking system was taken from a Lexus.

Bused Into Traffic

I drive on the wrong side of the road occasionally but imagine being forced to switch sides forever. Samoans used to drive on the right, like Americans, but this week they switched to driving on the left, like Brits. The only problem is with buses which now discharge their passengers out into traffic. Until the buses can come up with the money to have their buses converted, the government is considering a number of short-term solutions: Make passengers walk; give passengers a helmet and orange vest and hope for the best; or, way down the list of possibilities, pay to have the buses converted immediately.

Cuddle and Move On

Share my cab, but not my bed. That’s the kind of advice Dr. Neil Stanley is giving. He’s a British sleep specialist and he says couples would be healthier if they had separate beds, like Ozzy and Harriet. People didn’t sleep together until the industrial revolution when they moved to town and found they needed to share. He recommends having a cuddle and then moving on down the hall for a good night’s sleep. Or call me and I’ll take you across town.

Long-Lasting Marriages One Day Only

Thousands of couples in China got married yesterday because 9-9-9 in Chinese sounds like ‘long lasting’ and that will make their marriage last. Couples getting married today don’t really care how long it lasts. They just want the presents.


Tall People Get Everything

Have you noticed that tall people have better lives? US researchers found that tall people are happier, probably because they have better jobs and better educations. And how did they get those jobs and that education? They’re tall, they could see over the heads of the kids in front and they got basketball scholarships and they dated the cheerleaders who were also tall and now they have tall children who will also have happier lives. There’s no way around this is there?

Bad Cop Bad Cop

One of the best ways for a cop to go under cover is to drive a cab. It’s true. I’m not under cover though so I can talk about a country with one of the world’s worst police forces, Kenya. The government is doing something about it, though. They have replaced almost all of the country’s senior police officers, including Major General Hussein Ali, the ex-police commissioner. He has been moved to the post office. Kenyans will feel safer now, unless they are expecting a cheque in the mail.

Teachers Expect Bad Things from Crystal

When I was in school, the nuns spotted trouble in a name, but it was the last name; the family name. Now, according to a UK poll, teachers look to first names to predict trouble. Kids named Connor, Brandon, Chelsea, Casey or Crystal get the bad brand. Good names are Adam, Edward, Christopher, Benjamin, Charlotte, Emma, Hannah and Rebecca. I know it’s not scientific, just an observation, but I went to school with Rebecca. She was not that good.


She Must be a She

South African runner Caster Semenya has taken part in a makeover in South Africa’s You magazine, partly to counter claims she is really a man. The 800-metre world champion wore a number of dresses for the photo shoot including a cocktail dress worn with stilettos. No guy could walk in those!

Short People

French President Nicolas Sarkozy is short. He’s just 5 feet five inches tall and he is touchy about it and often wears high heels in public, especially with his taller wife, former model Carla Bruni-Sarkozy. So, aides recently set up a photo after a factory tour in which only short employees were allowed on stage with him. Now, taller employees are saying they were discriminated against while shorter employees are complaining that now everyone will know they are short.


I Know, Your Feet Hurt

Why do you think I take passengers one block, two blocks a half a block? Sore feet! People, including men, buy uncomfortable shoes that don’t even fit because they want to look fashionable. Because of that, they have painful corns and ingrown nails and they take cabs. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying.

Eat More, Lose Weight

Lots of my customers are carrying a coffee when they get into the cab. No worries. But, if you’re trying to lose weight, eat a big breakfast. Researchers found that people who eat a full, balanced breakfast, don’t get hungry later in the day and turn to junk food. People who eat little or nothing for breakfast and don’t turn to junk food later in the day are just weird.

Kraft (Dairy Milk) Dinner

Kraft Foods is trying to buy Cadbury, maker of Dairy Milk, Green & Black's chocolate brand and Halls lozenges, Trident and Dentyne gum brands, and liquorice allsorts maker Bassett's. Kraft kitchens is already working on a chocolate-coated, cheese-dipped pasta.

Giant Rat Big As Cat

A giant rat found in the lost volcano in the jungle of Papua New Guinea is about the size of a cat, which should even the odds when the rat inevitably ends up in Bombay, New York and Singapore . . . for starters.

Banking on Death

Careful there older person with a life insurance policy, Wall Street has a plan to cash in our your death. Bankers are buying life insurance policies from the very old and the very ill for a percentage of the policy’s worth. If your policy is worth $500,000 when you die, they might give you $250,000 now and wait for the payoff. In the meantime, they’ll bundle thousands of policies into bond offerings and sell them to pension funds and brokers. Everybody waits for everybody to die and they snag the profits from your demise, which they hope will come sooner rather than later for obvious reasons. Talk about your Sarah Palin death panels. There are $26 trillion in life insurance policies in force in the US alone so if bankers can get a few trillion into this game of chicken, it could be another winner/loser. Just after they buy up all the policies of the walking dead, someone finds a cure for everything along with the fountain of youth and we’ve got the subprime dying time disaster. Sweet, and you’ve got some of their money. Now, watch for the puddle.


Satin Smooth Brand Won’t Save You

Misleading packaging can lead some smokers to believe there are brands that are safer according to a University of Nottingham study. Researchers recommend plain packaging as a way not to mislead smokers. Manufacturers argue that plain packaging would deprive customers of the right to differentiate between brands that will kill you today or brands that will kill you tomorrow or the next day.

Stone Age Cat People

Cat people have been around a long time. Archaeologists have just found a grave dating back 9,500 years containing the remains of a cat and a spinster.

North Korea Doubles Bomb Potential

I’m driving toward the east thinking about the cartoon mushroom cloud that hangs over Cloud Cuckoo Land also known as North Korean. They’ve told the world they are in the "final stage" of enriching uranium, a process that, if completed, would give it a second means of making a nuclear bomb. How impressive is that? Two ways to create nuclear bombs but not one way to feed their people.

Just Add Salt

A Denmark-based think tank says the world needs to spend money on marine cloud whitening rather than protecting forests and regulating carbon emissions. Just send clouds of salty sea water into the atmosphere and it reflects sunlight away from Earth before the salt falls (harmlessly) to Earth and kills all the crops.


Moon Landing Faked

Two Bangladesh newspapers have published an article taken from The Onion, a satirical US web site, which claimed the Moon landings were faked. The editors apologized and said they didn’t check with Neil Armstrong who is quoted in The Onion as saying the Moon landing really took place on a New Mexico sound stage. Not to be outdone, the Russians are working on a fake Mars landing which will take place in Siberia. It was originally planned for Afghanistan, but that didn’t work out.

Don’t Sweat the Bombs Washington

If I was driving cab in Washington this week, I’d have to watch for Taliban-type explosions and then be amazed when Canadian soldiers and medics deal with it. The Secret Service is working with the Canadian forces on this. It’s a way to show Americans what Canada is doing in Afghanistan or it’s a way to scare the hell out of people who live in Washington.

Pot That’s Not

Did you know they can make car panels out of hemp? It’s true. This very cab could be made of weed. Hemp is in the news in Europe because the Dutch police destroyed 47,000 plants they thought were cannabis. It was a field of hemp being grown for Wageningen University where they are studying hemp as a potential sustainable source for textiles. So, if you bought any of this stuff before the cops torched it, you’ll get higher making a rug than smoking it.

Madonna Adds to Purse

Madonna never rode in my cab, but if she did I bet she’d leave a bit tip cause if there’s one thing she’s got, it’s cash. Her Sticky and Sweet world tour made $408 million, the highest ever for a solo performer. The highest grossing tour ever was the Rolling Stones’ Bigger Bang tour which grossed $558 million. They had to split it four ways though.

Hard-Liner Gets Iranian Nod

Iranian MPs have approved the first woman minister in the 30-year history of the Islamic republic. Marzieh Vahid Dastjerdi, the female health minister-designate, is a hard-line conservative who has in the past proposed introducing segregated health care in Iran, with women treating women and men treating men. Two other women were nominated to become ministers but they were turned down because they aren’t hard-line conservatives.

YouTube to Rent Movies

YouTube is in talks with major studios about renting movies by streaming them online. The good news is that the Blockbuster stock you’ve always wanted to buy is going to be cheaper.

Older Americans Can’t Retire

American companies aren’t hiring, in part, because older workers are afraid to retire or they are financially unable to retire because they bought Chrysler at $100.

Oldest Dog a Chocoholic

The world’s oldest dog is dead. Chanel, a wire-haired dachshund was 21 or 147 in dog years. A New Yorker, Chanel enjoyed butter sticks, chocolate, barking at people and giving them the paw.

Japan Takes a Deep Bow

Japan has elected a new coalition government led by the Democrats who defeated the former government led by the Liberal Democrats. The new government, which campaigned on promises to increase social welfare and do away with American-style, pro-market reforms, is expected to bow deeply and do nothing.

UK Teens Big Drinkers

British teenagers - girls in particular - are more likely to get drunk than anyone else in the industrial world according to a new report. Not surprisingly, the report also found that this has led to unusually high rates of teen pregnancy.

Engineering Climate Change

A UK Royal Society study has concluded that many engineering proposals to reduce the impact of climate change are "technically possible" although the society also agrees some of them might be really harmful. One bad idea, they say, is tossing iron filings into the oceans to create CO2-absorbing algae because the filings (and maybe the algae) might kill other things. Another bad idea is having a royal society decide anything.

$300-a-barrel oil

Oil legend T. Boone Pickens, CEO of BP Capital, says oil prices could rise to $300 a barrel because supply is stuck at 85 million barrels a day and demand will reach 90 million barrels a day. If he’s right, even Ford is screwed.

Dog Genes
Scientists say just three genes are responsible for all the different coat types that dogs have. I want to know which gene is responsible for baldness.


Big Garage Sale

In California, they had a two-day garage sale and made $1.5 million toward the state’s massive deficit. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a motorcycle and boosted the price from $2,300 to $3,000. The state official who bought it said he expects a big promotion.

Court Docks Girl Sailor

A 13-year-old Dutch girl who wants to sail around the world alone in a small boat has been ordered into state care for two months. That means Laura Dekker’s parents temporarily lose the right to make decisions about her. Not such a big deal when you think about it. What parent doesn’t lose that right when their kid turns 13?


Abortion Fears Test Bishops

Everyone in the US is talking about health care. It’s an issue that polarizes people. You’re either really in, or really out. Not so much the Roman Catholic Bishops. They’ve been lobbying for universal health insurance for decades but now they’re against it because they fear it will pay for abortions. You learn in the taxi game that social justice is a high wire to walk. Are you damned if you do, or damned if you don’t? I always have trouble with that.


Everyone’s In The Boozer

When Brits go on vacation, they drink. A new survey shows they drink an average eight drinks a day while on vacation which works out to 80 drinks on an average vacation or 200 units of alcohol when only three or four units a day are advisable according to the National Health Service. If it ended with vacation, that would be one thing. It doesn’t. Figures show 10 million adults in England regularly exceed the recommended daily limits for alcohol consumption. And that’s just adults. What’s going with the kids?

Lamb At $3,000 A Pound

A single sheep in Britain sold for $377,000. Deveronvale Perfection, a tub lamb, will be used for breeding. It sounds like a lot until you consider that Tophill Joe, who was bought six years ago for $208,000, earned more than $1.6 million in breeding fees before he died . . . happy!

Man With Multiple Wives Gets Confused

An engineer with Air India has been arrested for forgery and polygamy after police say he married at least six women over the past two years. The man, Tushar Waghmare, may have married as many as 14 women since 2006. Police said the man denies the charges but he did admit that sometimes at night he gets confused and can’t find the bathroom.

Debtors’ Prison

Some of Nigeria’s wealthiest people are in jail and more are due to be arrested because they owe money to the country’s five banks. The government just announced they have collected $170 million in bad debts from some of the people they have in jail, a modern-day debtors’ prison. There are billions more outstanding but the central bank has provided a list of people they say defaulted on big debts to the banks and the government believes they have enough space in the country’s jails to eventually get all the money back. The government has also imprisoned 17 bank executives to keep their former clients company.

Deploy Artificial Trees

In a new report, engineers suggest deploying a forest of 100,000 artificial trees to help soak up the worlds carbon emissions. I just drive a taxi but another suggestion might be to deploy 100,000 real trees

Dictator Can't Pee

Some health news out of Zimbabwe that might cheer some of my passengers. Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe, 85, is apparently unwell and seeing a urologist, which means he probably can’t pee . . . on his downtrodden people for much longer.

Irish Betting Bellwether

We must be coming out of the recession because the Irish are betting again. Either that or we’re going deeper into recession because the Irish are betting again. The news is that Irish bookmaker Paddy Power is profitable again after a dip in earnings in the first quarter. Part of the credit goes to government decision to postpone a two per cent betting tax. Odds are they’ll impose the tax at some later date, probably in the middle the world cup of soccer.


Praying for Sex

The estranged wife of Italy’s billionaire president Silvio Berlusconi says she’d take him back if he would attend counselling at a sex clinic. As proof that he is moving in the right direction, Mr. Berlusconi is planning to attend a special Mass of repentance where participants go each year to seek forgiveness for their sins. Then, he is taking his wife’s advice and going to a clinic for sex.

GM Dodges Opel/Russian Deal

General Motors is rethinking the sale of Opel to a Canadian/Russian consortium because they fear intellectual property will fall into competitors’ hands. They’d rather sell to Brussels-based RHJ International because, well, they’re not Russian.

Bread Basket Filling Up

Ukraine farmland is being leased by companies from a number of countries, including Britain and Russia. They are all bringing in big equipment and putting together leases covering thousands of acres to grow grain for an increasingly hungry world. Some Ukrainians see the incursion of western-style agriculture as a land grab, others see it as a chance to drive a really big tractor.

Chicken Manure Rocks

Someone in Surrey, British Columbia, fed up with rowdy vagrants loitering in a vacant lot, spread chicken manure on the problem and let the hot sun do its job. The vagrants took off but neighbors, who had to keep windows closed because of the smell, complained to politicians who didn’t like the smell either. They had the chicken manure trucked away and now they’re trying to find out who authorized the stink in the first place. The RCMP was a prime suspect in the case but police investigated themselves and say they’ve ruled themselves out. The chicken farmer who said he sold manure to the police has retracted his story. He now says it was the vagrants themselves bought the manure because they were tired of the lot, because it was vacant, and were desperate for an excuse to move.

Big Numbers

The US deficit is set to top $1.6 trillion dollars this year. We just got used to billions, now we’re on to trillions. I don’t even know what’s next. I just know it’s next.

2030 Is Gonna Suck

I plan to be around in 2030 so I was interested to hear it could be a very bad year. There will eight billion people (two billion more than today), we will need 50 per cent more food, 50 per cent more energy and 30 per cent more water and people will be fleeing the hardest-hit regions of the world and moving to higher ground. It makes you think that 2029 might not be a great year either.


Shisa Smoking Will Kill You

The headline said, Shisa As Harmful As Cigarettes. Then it went on to say “at the worst, shisa was 400 to 450 times more dangerous than having a cigarette.” I read the story because I didn’t know that shisa is a water pipe used to smoke herbal tobacco. Then I read “the fruit-scented tobacco is burnt using coal.” I grew up in the 40s next to railroad tracks where steam engines passed. They burned coal. We inhaled the fumes. We knew it was bad. Now I know why shisa is bad. Now you know why shisa is bad.


Accidental Tourist

You gotta love tourists, they are responsible for a lot of my business because they are, above all else, lost. It wasn’t surprising to read that an English-speaking tourist in France thought the imposing “hotel de ville” in a small town was a hotel. Before she checked in, she used the washroom. While she was doing that, the workers closed the town hall for the weekend and locked her inside. She was freed a day or so later when she posted a note on the front door in French that, roughly translated, said ‘open the door’. Someone did open the door, the tourist checked into a hotel and now she knows the best way to find a hotel, in any language, is to hire a taxi.

California’s Big Jail Break

California is broke so they are thinking of allowing early release for 27,000 of the 170,000 people they have in prisons. Of course, some people are objecting that there will be too many criminals on the street all at once. Proponents says they are nonviolent criminals or criminals who have served most of their time. Bernie Madoff, who has 149 years and change left to spend in New York’s prison system, probably wouldn’t qualify even if he moved to California . . . unless he could come up with a way to swindle the federal government out of enough money to eliminate California’s debt. Bernie, I see opportunity here!

Whole Foods, Half Health Care

Whole foods, where carrots are grown in the dung of sacred cows, has hit a wall of bad press after CEO John Mackey wrote in the Wall Street Journal that not all Americans deserve health care. Liberal leaning Whole Foods customers, who obviously believe all Americans do deserve health care, have been picketing and blogging and boycotting. What Mackey meant to say is that people who can’t afford to shop at Whole Foods don’t deserve health care. There, have a $10 tomato.


Terrorist Suspect Iran’s Defence Pick

Now that North Korea is making nice - freeing journalists, attending funerals - Iran is stepping up to be a badder bad guy. They’ve nominated a guy for defence minister who has been linked to a bombing in Argentina. Gen. Ahmad Vahidi, wanted in connection with a 1994 attack on a Jewish centre in Buenos Aires, may get more support because of the allegations according to Iran’s foreign policy committee chairman. The general, if his nomination is approved, will be in charge of rockets and bombs. What could possibly go wrong?

GM Lets Twitter Decide

I learned to drive on a GMC bread truck with a floor-mounted four-speed (three forward gears plus ‘bull low’) but the brand has been struggling lately. That’s why it was good to hear they dropped a planned sport-ute before spending billions building it, then trying to sell it, then giving up on it. This was partly due to a poor response they got on social networks including Twitter where the compact Buick sport ute was dubbed the Vue-ick. GM’s vice-chair Tom Stephens said the amazing thing is it took just one day to can the project, light speed for GM. Maybe this is how GM should make decisions: Let Twitter decide.


Blow Out the Candle

Paraffin wax candles give off harmful fumes linked to lung cancer and asthma. The problem is more acute if you burn candles in a closed room, such as a bath. Beeswax candles are a lot less harmful but they usually cost more. It doesn’t mean you have to give up romantic, candlelit dinners, it just means you shouldn’t have one every day. Of course, if you’re living a life of daily romantic dinners, I don’t think you should sweat getting a terminal disease. You’ve lived more than one life already.


Coconut Picker Gets a Prize

If you’re an inventor there’s an opportunity to pick up about $25,000 by inventing a coconut picker to help out with the harvest in southern India. Apparently, sons of pickers are moving on to office jobs so the growers can’t get all their coconuts on the ground. The machine must be able to reach coconuts at 90 feet so the answer isn’t a step ladder. The long-term solution could be dwarf coconut trees which just grow to six feet tall. Then a step ladder would work.

How Many Stolen Cars Does It Take . . .

In Ireland, a stolen car was used to crash into a pub in order to steal the ATM inside. A second stolen car was used to cart the ATM away, along with the injured driver of the first car. The thieves may need a third stolen car to run over the stolen ATM to get it open and a fourth car to run over the guy who planned the robbery in the first place if the ATM is empty.

Swiss Bank Ratting Out US Clients

Switzerland’s largest bank, UBS (U Better be Scared), is giving account information to America’s largest bank inspector, the IRS. Now, the US government will be able to sift through the bank accounts of 4,500 Americans and make them pay taxes on money they have hidden. I’m not worried. The only hidden cash I’ve got is in the change drawer in my cab. Rob me and you won’t even get enough to go to Starbucks . . . Tim Horton's, maybe.

Dog Won’t Rescue You

Canadian researchers have concluded that your dog will take food from anyone or anything, including a black box. I could have told them that. It’s food, they’re dogs. Everything smells so good they want to taste it. I don’t agree with the rest of their findings, though. They say a dog will not try to rescue its master, even if he/she is pinned under a book case and begging for help. What about Lassie and Rin Tin Tin? Don’t tell me that was staged!


Internet Addicts Beaten, Killed

In China, they have boot camps for internet addicts. It turns out, they try to beat the addiction out of them. A 15-year-old boy was beaten to death at one camp and a 14 year old, attending a camp paid for by his mother, is in serious condition after beatings by the school’s principal and several other students. If they start a camp for bullies - and it sounds like they should - will students be required to spend all their time on the internet? I know, vicious circle!

Longer Eyelashes On The Way

People are always talking about science in the cab because my picture makes me look like one of those Ph.D. cab drivers, which I’m not. Well, now I’ve got some scientific information of my own. Did you know scientists are “working around the clock” to make it possible for women to grow longer eyelashes. I didn’t know that! And, they’re making progress. They’ve discovered that a side effect of using a glaucoma medication is longer lashes. The French are working on a long-lash gel which keeps eye lashes from falling out - they do that you know. The longer they are in place, the more the grow. I’m telling you, I always thought scientists would come up with something surprising. This could be it.

Rats

Botanists have found a carnivorous plant that is big enough to eat a rat. The enormous, rat-eating pitcher plant lives at the top of a remote mountain in the Philippines. It was found by a group of missionaries who had to be rescued from the mountain known locally as Rat Trap Ridge.

Texters and Friendship

I don’t text, especially while driving, but people who do leave behind call records of their friendships and that tells researchers a lot. If you have friends near work, you’re happier, and if you have friends at work, you’re unhappier. I get that. Your boss may be your friend who is always right, but he/she is never really your friend.


Texting Alters Young Brains

While we’re texting. Researchers have found texting is a brain-altering habit for young people. It trains young brains to be speedy but sloppy. Young people who text a lot make mistakes involving memory, attention span and learning. Young people who don’t text can’t afford a smart phone.

Cocaine Cash

If you’re paying cash today, and most of my customers do, there could be traces of cocaine on the bills you give me or the change I give you. Bills in the US, Canada, Brazil, China and Japan were tested for drug traces. The lowest rates were found in China (12 per cent), the highest in the US (95 per cent). The cleanest city in the US is Salt Lake city, home of the Mormon religion. I drive a lot of bankers. They used to pay with old cash but now they usually pay with new cash which comes directly from the government. In other words, it’s dirty too.

Sex Starved

In Afghanistan, if your wife refuses to have sex, you can starve her. That’s now the law. The original bill obliged Shia women to have sex with their husbands every four days, minimum, or they could be forced to have sex. This law is the watered-down version. Women's groups say the new wording still violates the principle of equality that is enshrined in the country’s constitution. Reviewing the rights enshrined in the constitution it looks like a man has the right to withhold food from his wife if she refuses to have sex; a man gets to decide whether a woman can work; and men - fathers and grandfathers - have exclusive custody of children. Apparently, women are allowed to do as they are told.

Beer Strengthens Bones

There have been so many stories about booze and health lately. It’s good, it’s bad, we’re not sure. Now, Spanish researchers say women who drink moderate amounts of beer may be strengthening their bones. The one cautionary note here is that the plant hormones, not the alcohol, maybe be what strengthens bones. It’s good news really. You can drink the beer or eat some barley.

Hurricane Bill Could Be Messy

The Atlantic hurricane season got off to slow start this year but now three storms are out of the gate. Claudette hit the US Gulf coast with winds of 48 mph (80 kph). Tropical storm Ana is moving in but is not expected to do much more than cause heavy rains. Bill, on the other hand, could be a whopper by the time it hits the US Gulf coast on Friday. Forecasters say it could be a Category 3 hurricane with winds of more than 110 mph (177 kph). We know that anything called Bill can be brilliant but it can also be messy.

Street Theatre to Fear

Spooks in Washington are using street theatre to hone their take-down skills. Usually, they work with actors but sometimes people stumble into scenes and get a taste of Washington’s dark side. The FBI, CIA, Capitol Police, Secret Service and US Marshals Service stage the dramas in and around the city in parks, hotels, parking lots, old folks homes, transit stations. The actors use many tactics, including suicide bomb skits to make the threats seem real. People who do get caught up in these street plays say they do seem real. If you get caught in something in Washington, believe it is real and act accordingly. I’m staying in my cab . . . hands up, mouth shut.

19 Shots In The Dark

You see and hear a lot when you’re driving cab at all hours, but this is one I missed. There was this guy robbing gas stations and convenience stores for the past week so a call comes in about a robbery. A man is sighted leaving the convenience store where the robbery took place and there’s a car chase followed by a foot chase through a darkened neighborhood. The person being chased is carrying something. It could be a gun. The constable giving chase draws his Glock and sprays 16 bullets at the guy (15 in the clip and one in the chamber). Then, he reloads and gets three more shots off before the suspect surrenders. None of the bullets hit the suspect, who turned out to be unarmed. Police didn’t name the constable involved but they did say later that he wasn’t zero for 19. He did hit three houses. 

North Korea Making Nice

 

North Korea did another nice thing yesterday. They released a South Korean worker they had been holding in detention and handed him over to Hyundai Chairwoman Hyun Jeong-eun. The man was being held at a factory park where South Korean manufacturers have parts made using cheap North Korean labour. As part of the deal, North Korea is also allowing the Mount Kumgang resort to reopen after it had been closed for a year. Last week Bill Clinton and the release of two US journalists, this week a theme park reopening. I’m telling you, there’s something going on in Pyongyang.

Water, Water Nowhere

Nasa has “gravity” satellites up there that can determine how much ground water there is. I know, amazing. Well, it turns out, India is depleting its ground water so quickly that rice farming in parts of the country will become unsustainable and then farmers will have to find alternative crops to grow and then, when all the water is gone, they won’t be able to grow anything and that will be really bad. The satellites doesn’t even check some parts of the world because everyone knows we sucked the water out of the ground long ago and now we’re taping rivers that are taping melting glaciers that have nothing left to tap. There’s a lesson here, but it eludes me.

Buffalo Fans Pay More

Did you know that 1,000 years ago there was something called the Mediaeval Warm Period and that, because it was warmer like it is now, they had a rash of hurricanes like we’re having now (well, okay, not right now, not today). Is this more of ‘What goes around comes around?’ Or is it more like I say when passengers make fun of the Maple Leafs and I take them around the same block more than once: When you’re a Buffalo fan, it costs you.

Greens Can Kill

I see you got lettuce. I hope you wash it when you get home and check to make sure there’s nothing but lettuce there, here’s why. A customer  at a discount supermarket in Germany found stems of a poisonous weed in mixed salad bags that can cause extensive liver damage. The woman who found the poison stems has a specialized knowledge of plants. Because of her, the German ministry responsible for consumer protection says shoppers should be vigilant. Cabbies should be vigilant too so, remember, wash it, check it and put it in a sandwich with some meat. Watch your step. I’ll imagine the tip.

Movie of the Week

There was a movie producer in the cab the other day but I didn’t have a story for him. Now I do. This is a movie plot if ever there was one. First the background. As part of Australia’s National Science Week,  a website is allowing users to send short text message into space. You can visit HelloFromEarth.net to post messages no longer than 160 characters. The messages will be transmitted to Gliese 581d, the nearest Earth-like planet outside the solar system likely to support life. Delivery time is about 20 years after the messages are transmitted from the Canberra Deep Space Communication Complex. Now, back to the movie.  A lonely librarian sends a message from work. “I’d love to be transported to another world, Laura.” Thousands of messages pour through the Deep Space Communication Complex, but this one message doesn’t go into space, it goes to a local computer and the man who receives it, who could be an alien, goes to the library and meets Laura and tells her he got her message. She is afraid of him at first but comes to believe he might be from another world. Her friends warn her about him and they try to check him out online but he doesn’t seem to have an identity. He seems to appear out of nowhere sometimes but he is kind and funny and she begins to look forward to his appearances. She lives with her overbearing mother who thinks the man is just creepy, partly because he won’t eat her baked beans. After a while, Laura begins to anticipate his visits and, one day, they both disappear. Her friends and dysfunctional family call the police and there is an investigation along with a series of “Where is Laura?” stories in the local press that go international. Experts say it’s not possible, but others believe she vanished to another world, all because she sent a message asking to be transported. In the final scene, Laura and the man are pushing a baby buggy through a park. “Your world looks like mine,” she says. “Of course it does,” he says. “they all do.”

Boy I can’t wait till I meet up with another movie producer. Think I’ll cruise the theatre district.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

I’m not superstitious but when  I heard Air New Zealand plans a matchmaking flight for Oct. 13, I had to check to make sure it wasn’t Friday the 13th. It’s a Tuesday. If you want to go, the flight leaves Vancouver and goes to LA where there is a matchmaking party before boarding for the overnight flight to New Zealand. En route, there will be party packs, an open bar and speed dating. When you get to New Zealand, there is a singles festival to attend if nothing worked out on the flight. If the festival is a bust, call me when you get home. I’m thinking of offering matchmaking cab rides.

Mona Lisa Dodges Mug

Over the years, the Mona Lisa has been stolen, damaged by acid and hit by a rock and now the famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci has taken another hit. This time a woman threw a ceramic mug at the famous painting on display at the Louvre in Paris.  Fortunately, the mug she threw did not penetrate the bullet proof glass that protects the painting. The woman, a Russian,  threw the mug because she was having trouble extending her visa to stay in France. I’m sure immigration will come up with something now.

How Sweet It Was

I love dark chocolate, but it contains sugar and sugar is getting pricey. Raw sugar futures have almost doubled in the past year. Brazil, which usually uses its sugar for ethanol, is thinking of selling it to India for food because the Indians had a crop failure and Brazil will get more for sugar used for food. Anyway, that could put pressure on gas prices because a lot of ethanol is made from sugar and we love our gasoline almost as much as we love our Twinkies so this whole sugar thing could cost us all a lot of money. Remember when sugar was sweet and gasoline came from oil and Google wasn’t a verb? Remember that? I don’t either!

Global Engineering: The Big Chill?

It’s hot, so we’re running with air conditioning and, I guess, contributing to global warming. But don’t worry. Climate engineering could be the way out of our global-warming dilemma. There’s a lot of talk about just shooting particles into the atmosphere the way volcanos do when they erupt. The particles block the sun, the temperature falls and, when their work is done, the particles fall harmlessly to earth. It could be risky though. Do the particles turn your laundry gray? Do they kill plants?  Will we breathe them in and harm ourselves? What if we send too many particles into the atmosphere and cause another ice age? Some days I feel like a dinosaur, but other days I just fear becoming one.

Universe Crashing and Crashing

There’s no point in looking up in the city with all the ambient light reducing our view of the heavens. But if you’re somewhere where you can look up, there’s lots to see. The annual Perseid meteor show reaches its peak today as Earth passes through a stream of debris from the comet Swift-Tuttle. The other stuff going on is much further away and only visible to astronomers but it’s way dramatic. A Nasa space telescope has found evidence of a collision between two Mars-sized planets circling a young star. Astronomers say this is quite recent, within the last few thousand years. Four billion years ago, there was a smashup between two planets that created Earth and our moon. There was a recent strike on Jupiter and some astronomers say the object that hit Jupiter was the size of Earth. Another ominous sign of things that could come is that there was a collision of the Big Dipper, a wooden roller coaster in Britain that was built in 1923. Twelve people were hurt. Okay, the Big Dipper thing is stretching this blog quite thin but there are billions of stars, billions of planets, space junk we can’t imagine and here we are floating around like a single cell in a massive whirlpool. I guess that means if they pull the plug we’ll just float through, possibly inside one of those space tunnels. When we come out the other side, we could be in clover again or in something better than clover . . . barley!

Cockeyed Optimists Live Longer

Hey lady, are you an optimist? I hope so.  Studies show optimistic women live longer than women who are cynical and harbour hostile thoughts toward others. Men who live with optimistic women and men who never leave their mothers live longer too, unless their mothers are cynical and harbour hostile thoughts, especially toward their no-good sons.

Dogs Are Smarter

Sometimes I give dog and cat owners a lift along with their pets so I’ve done some research. Dogs are smarter than cats. Don’t get the claws out. Studies have shown cats are like 18-month-olds and dogs are like 24-to 30-month-olds and border collies are like, five. Dogs also feel a number of emotions such as fear, anger, pleasure and disgust. My dog needs to work on the disgust thing or I’ve got to move to a neighborhood where they have fresher garbage.

Food Looming Issue

Enjoy those fries. Scientists say food production has to double by 2050 to feed our burgeoning world population. They say we won’t even be able to keep up with current production levels because water in some prime growing areas is going to get scarce, so we need new ways to grow more and more and more food. They think genetically modified (GM) foods might be the answer, but then they’re scientists, they’ve always thought that. I think the answer is to stop paving over prime agricultural land, promote local food, can and preserve fruits and vegetables, build community root cellars, stop eating junk, support cooperatives and end all wars, but that’s just me. 

Whoopee, You're Alive!

Getting older? Don’t worry, be happy. Scientists studied some people in their mid-90s and they concluded  (from that) the older you get the happier you are. Well, sure, if you’re in your 90s and you wake up in the morning that means you haven’t died yet! Who wouldn’t be happy?

Who’s Your Daddy

Let’s put this one in the “nothing-is-real” category. One of Michael Jackson’s old buddies. former child star Mark Lester, says he could be the father of one of Jackson’s children, the most likely being Paris, 11. Lester says Jackson asked him for some sperm, which he delivered, and he suspects it might have been used to inseminate Jackson’s then wife, Debbie Rowe. Lester, now an osteopath, says he’d like to find out, partly because he wants access to Jackson’s children because he has been close to them all their lives and is godfather to all of them. Lester thinks Paris could be his because she looks like his (other) daughters. In a video on the News Of The World web site, Lester said he had come forward "because I have concerns about the welfare and upbringing of the children. There's a contact issue," he said. "I dearly want to remain in contact with those kids and I feel now this is the only way that I can ensure that." So, the question for today is: “Who’s your daddy?”

Nuns Experience Liberal Drift

Before I started driving cab, I was an altar boy. I used to serve mass at the local convent and all the nuns back then wore habits and prayed a lot. Now, they don’t live in convents and they wear civilian clothes. Worse than that, the Vatican worries they might even endorse radical stuff like ordination of women priests, maybe even birth control and allowing priests to marry. They still do good work, including working with the poor, but not always in Catholic or even religious settings. The big boys at the Vatican are concerned that the nuns could be experiencing “liberal drift.” Come on. What they are experiencing is real life. The Vatican, kind of a theme park for people who like to genuflect, isn’t the real world. Women don’t ride any more, they drive and if they’re not driving, they’re giving directions. Oh, sorry, Father,  I thought you said turn right.

This Stinks, This Really Stinks

Brazil is returning 1,500 tons of used syringes, condoms and dirty diapers to Britain. The hazardous waste was sent to Brazil as recyclable plastic but, when inspected, it turned out to be hospital waste and other gross stuff. Three men have been arrested and, when the stuff is returned to the UK, they will have to sort through it with a fine-tooth comb. That’s it, just the comb, no gloves, no rubber boots, no deodorant.

It’s Still a Mercedes

People in Africa and Eastern Europe are driving German cars meant for the scrap heap. The government gives drivers $3,600 if they scrap their old car and buy a new one. Crooks have managed to transfer about 50,000 of the clunkers away from the scrap heap and onto the roads of Africa and Eastern Europe. Hey, even an old Mercedes is still a Mercedes.

Great Train Robber Out . . .  Almost

Now that he’s dying of pneumonia , Norwich Prison inmate and great train robber Ronnie Biggs has been released from his sentence. Biggs, 79, was refused parole by Justice Secretary Jack Straw last month but now that Bigg’s is not expected to ever leave hospital, he gets a pass. You can’t be too careful with aging, infirm great train robbers.

Crows Smarter Than Drunks

Scientists have found that a thirsty crow will drop pebbles into a container in order to raise the level of  water until it gets high enough for the crow to have a drink. Sociologists have found that a thirsty drunk will throw pennies from his kids’ piggy bank onto the bar until they add up to enough to buy a beer. The crow’s smarter.

Martian Alerts Keep Coming

Here’s another Martian alert. First, scientists noticed there is a lot of methane gas coming off the red planet. Does it originate with volcanos or is there underground life doing a lot of belching? Now, a widely read e-mail says Mars is getting closer to Earth and will be as close as the moon on Aug. 27. That’s just a hoax. The truth is, on April 1, 2010, Mars will pinball off the moon setting off a string of slot-machine wins, especially in Las Vegas.

Methane Gas on Mars , , , Scary!

Here’s one to stir your morning coffee. Scientists are finding there is a lot of methane produced on Mars. Is it from volcanic activity or from life underground? Maybe it’s time to have another look at those old Martian movies.

The Big Dog’s Back

Everybody’s talking about Bill Clinton and his successful trip to North Korea to get those two young US journalists back home. Like the guy in the back seat says, “the Big Dog is back.” He is big too when you compare him to North Korean leader Kim Jung-il. And, people are also talking about the fact that Bill isn’t smiling in his photos with the Dear Leader or Great Leader or Smiling Leader Who Can;t Feed His People. I bet he smiled when his jet left North Korea with the two freed women. You rock Bill!

News Corp to Charge for Content

It’s official. Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp is going to start charging online customers for news content on its web sites. Murdoch says “quality journalism is not cheap” and web advertising is not paying for the content millions of people read for free. He believes people will pay for News Corp content by making it "better and differentiate it from other people." In other words, he’s screwed.

Food, Glorious (Local) Food

Last night, at the farm, we had the ultimate local food experience. One of our hens was injured and had to be dispatched. We were repairing our deck so we had lots of white cedar scraps for our wood-burning barbecue pit. Our sweet corn is just coming on, there are new potatoes in the ground and Kate had just made a fresh mulberry pie. We roasted the chicken over the wood fire, turning it with a rigged-up Model A Ford jack handle. Kate added homemade barbecue sauce made with our own tomatoes. The potatoes, a few onions and freshly pulled garlic cloves, were wrapped in tinfoil and newspaper and tossed into the fire. In the last few minutes before the chicken was ready, Kate tossed just-picked corn on the cob, still in its leaf, into the fire. The meal that followed, eaten out on the deck of course, was one of the finest, ever. We are fortunate to live where we do and have the resources we have along with the know-how to put this kind of meal together.

Bill to the Rescue

Bill Clinton got the two US journalists out of North Korea and, in the process, he met with North Korean leader Kim Jung Il who probably passed on a message to the current administration: ”Please help, we’re out of everything!”

Paula Bows Out on Twitter

Paula Abdul, who is fascinating and sweet in an offbeat way, quit American Idol after eight years as a judge. She made the announcement on Twitter where you have to empty your head in 140 characters or less. Perfect.