Wal-Mart In Funeral Biz

Wal-Mart has started selling coffins at cut-rate prices. If you think you’ve got a year, you can even get yours by paying over 12 months, interest free. If you’re on a tighter time line, the retailer says they can ship within 48 hours. Funeral directors say they can beat that time line with in-stock coffins and they’ll even throw in a funeral home and, of course, a greeter.


Ocean Liner Offers Zip Lining

The Oasis of the Seas, the world’s largest ocean liner, is 1,200 feet long and 16 decks high. When Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines begins cruises from Miami in December, they will be able to accommodate more than 6,000 passengers who will be able to swim, golf and go zip lining, which should really speed things up if they ever have to abandon ship.


Somali Pirates Struggling Financially

A British couple seized by Somali pirates will need to come up with $7 million in ransom according to pirates holding them. The amount was set high because of all the damage the international anti-pirate force has done to the pirate business off Somalia lately. As one of the pirates put it, “The rest of the world may be fine but we’re going through a real economic downturn.”

Size Zero Not Attractive

A study has found that young men don’t find size zero girls as attractive as “normal” sized girls. The study also found they don’t like overweight girls either which left scientists to conclude that even young men are pigs.

Fox, Obama Not

The Obama administration has apparently gone to war with Fox news arguing that what Fox delivers is not news, which is fair since Fox has always argued that Obama is not a president.

112-Year-Old Man Takes Teen Bride

A 112 year old Somali man has married for the fifth time and his new bride is just 17. After the ceremony, the groom said he hoped they would have children, then he feel asleep and wet himself.

Best Marriage Odds With Smarter, Younger Wife

Experts say that the formula for successful marriage is for the man to be five years older and for the wife to be smarter than her husband. Course if she’s that smart, aren’t you wondering, “What is she doing with me?”


Female Spared Lash, Guy Is Toast

The Saudi king has waived a sentence of 60 lashes against a female journalist working for a TV channel which aired accounts of sex in the kingdom. The guy who bragged about his Saudi sex life is not so lucky. He got five years and 1,000 lashes and the king doesn’t seem to care.


Lost Pilots Could Be Fired

This is a shocker. The Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot their destination by more than 140 miles could be fired. The pilots told investigators they didn’t fall asleep, they were just lost in conversation. Really lost!

Farmer Cashing in on Fake Meteorite Crater

A Latvian farmer is charging curious people to see a meteorite crash site on his farm even though experts now say it is just a hole dug by a back hoe which was made to look like a crater. While visitors are allowed to view the crater, the farmer says the payment does not allow them to see the back hoe.

McDonald’s Pulls Out of Iceland

Because of the high cost of importing food, McDonald’s is pulling out of Iceland. The owner of the three McDonald’s restaurants will reopen under an Icelandic name and serve local food. Welcome to Reindeer Burgers.

North Korean Women Dress Oppressed

Here’s some back seat information you could do without. North Korean women are not allowed to ride bicycles and they must wear dresses instead of pants. If they are late for work, probably because they weren’t allowed to ride their bicycles, they are sent to labour camps. Otherwise, things are good.

44 Wealthy Germans Go Mad

I love the rich, especially when they tip big. A group of wealthy Germans is petitioning the government to tax them more to fund economic and social programs to aid Germany’s economic recovery. Of the 2.2 million richest Germans, 44 have so far signed the petition and been barred from their country clubs.

African Bishops Dump On African Leaders

Some African bishops have decided to cast the first stone. Roman Catholic bishops from across Africa have called on Africa’s corrupt leaders to either repent or step down. The leaders, including prominent Catholics Zimbabwean leader Robert Mugabe and Angolan President Eduardo Dos Santos, have all opted to repent.

Pilots Miss Airport

A Northwest Airlines Airbus, on a flight from San Diego to Minneapolis, overflew its destination by 144 miles. The crew said they were distracted during a heated discussion over airline policy and lost track of their location. The 144 passengers knew exactly where they were . . . in mortal danger!

Pot Smoker Wanted

The alternative Denver newspaper, Westword, is in the market for a marijuana critic to write about Colorado’s medical marijuana dispensaries. The pay is meagre, the pot will not be free and the writer must have a medical ailment that allows him or her to go to dispensaries and use marijuana. The column will probably be laid back.

Playing Through

Nullarbor Links, the world’s longest golf course, is spread over two Australian states and covers 848 miles. It takes about a week to play, driving up to 60 miles between holes. Lost balls are usually recovered by dingos. If they go into the water, golfers are advised to leave them to the crocodiles.

Bad Diet Blinding

New studies show you can escape macular degeneration by eating fish, nuts, greens and foods rich in vitamins C and E. Or, you can smoke, eat white bread and foods high in sugar and go blind.

White Wine Bad for Teeth

Acid in white wine - especially rieslings - erodes tooth enamel far more than red wine, although you can ease the problem by eating cheese with your wine. If you have white wine with your meal, wait 30 minutes before brushing your teeth and going to bed because weakened enamel could be brushed away. If you’re drinking the wine in bed, you’re probably not thinking about your teeth.

Afghan Opium

Afghanistan has a monopoly on illegal opium production that brings in $65 billion a year. Why aren’t we in on this?

Ironic

A British man who faked accidents so his victims could make insurance claims has been sentenced to four and half years in prison but he had his licence suspended for just three and a half years. Odd!

Pope Snags Anglican Bigots

Pope Benedict XVI (Benny for short) has created a new church structure for disillusioned - read bigoted - Anglicans who are against the ordination of women, the election of openly gay bishops and the blessing of same-sex unions. So it’s official, the Catholic Church has a bigot branch.

No Married Bishops

The new canonical provision allowing Anglicans to become Anglican-Catholics also allows married Anglican priests to become ordained Catholic priests. However, married Catholic-Anglican priests cannot become Catholic bishops because you don’t want women (officially) in bed with the guys with the tall hats, fat rings and big rectories.

Catholic Priests Could Switch to Anglican

Now that Anglican priests can become Catholic priests, isn’t it time for Catholic priests to become Anglican priests? Anglican priests can be gay, straight or bi, they can marry in any direction or play the congregation and the choir and they get to work for the queen. Later, if you have a change of heart and you really can’t support female or gay clergy and gay unions of any kind, you could probably double back, become an Catholic-Anglican (bigot branch) again and keep the wife, the kiddies and the Land Rover.

Fatism Bad

Discriminating against someone for being fat - fatism - should be as criminal as discriminating on grounds of race, age or religion, according to members of the Size Acceptance Movement. They say fat people are stared at, pointed at and talked about, even when they are not struggling into their assigned airline seats.

Karzai Did Not Win, Yet

Afghan President Hamid Karzai did not gain enough votes in the recent election for an outright win. During the runoff election, there will have to be even more vote rigging.

New Instrument, Sort Of

A software engineer has taken eight years to develop a new musical instrument that sounds like every other synthesized musical instrument ever invented. Another thing about the Eigenharp that is not unique is that it was designed for live performance. Well done!

Rabbits Become Bunnyfuel

Thousands of rabbits hunted in Sweden as part of a yearly cull are ground up and fed into incineraters to heat homes. In the town where they are supplying home heating, reaction to bunnyfuel is relaxed but in Stockholm people think the bunnies are too cute to burn and should be eaten.

Teen Trying to Sail World

A 16-year-old Australian girl, who recently dozed off and crashed her bright pink yacht into a cargo ship on a training run, has embarked on a quest to be the youngest person to sail unassisted around the world. Maritime officials say she’ll be okay if she can stay awake for the next 328 days or so.


Hitler Is Dead

A billboard announcing “Hitler is not dead” - one of many advertising famous dead people to promote Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks in Pattaya, Thailand - has been covered up after numerous complaints. While people don’t seem to care whether other famous dead people are really dead, they don’t want to take any chances with Hitler.

A-ha . . . vho?

The British pop group A-ha has announced they are breaking up after 25 years, mainly because no one has heard of them.

Green is Good

Living close to green space results in a lower rate of illness, including mental illnesses like depression and anxiety, which is probably why squirrels are so chipper.

Did Italian Soldiers Buy Their Safety?

A Taliban commander says Italian troops paid money wherever they were posted in Afghanistan and successfully avoided being attacked. The Berlusconi government denied the allegations saying “we only pay for hookers.”

Osama Strapped

Al-Quaeda is in bad financial shape and begging for donations from the usual sources who are more afraid of the Taliban and giving the money to them. So, it’s true, the old guy with the beard and the tin cup really is Osama.

Stalin’s Grandson a Loser

Joseph Stalin’s grandson has lost a court claim that a Russian newspaper defamed the Soviet dictator by calling him a tyrant. If Hitler had a grandson they could launch a class action suit.

Dow Up, Look Down

The Dow stock index has broken 10,000 for the first time in a year. Can staggering executive bonuses and a depression be far behind?

Lovers On The Brink

A state in Malaysia is offering free second honeymoons to couples on the brink of divorce. The lucky couples get to spend two nights arguing at a scenic island resort before dividing up the furniture.

Veggie Spider Delicious

Scientists have discovered a vegetarian spider that dines only on plants before it is eaten by one of the other 40,000 species of meat-eating spiders.

Carly Simon Off Coffee

Singer Carly Simon is suing Starbucks Corp. saying the coffee company's now-defunct music venture didn't adequately promote her 2008 album, This Kind of Love, dooming the record before it was even released. Later, they slashed the price and “stigmatized” the album as an album that could not be sold at full price, much the same way the recessions has stigmatized Starbucks’ products.

Pirates Smelled the Garlic

A group of Somali pirates was captured after they attacked a French navy ship, at night, by mistake. The pirates said they couldn’t see the ship, they were just going by the smell of roasted garlic simmered in a delicate red wine sauce.

France/Egypt Art Exchange

France’s Louvre Museum says it might be open to returning ancient Egyptian fresco fragments to Egypt, but France wants the pyramids back first.

New York Poops on Pop

New York is in the middle of a “pouring on the pounds” campaign designed to wean New Yorkers off pop. Americans are drinking themselves fat by consuming 15 billion gallons of pop annually. Each 550 ml serving may contain up to 17 teaspoons of sugar, enough to supersize anyone.

The Race to Throw Up

Racing fans at the three-day Bathurst 1000 in Australia are being limited to 24 cans of beer a day or four litres of wine per day. Anyone drinking over the limit will not be allowed to race.

Biting The Hand That Feeds Millions

Pakistani Taliban militants have claimed responsibility for a suicide bomb attack on a UN office in which five people were killed, saying the United Nations was a US slave. So the millions of impoverished Pakistanis who depend on UN aid are free to do what?

Laying The Blame

US Defence Secretary Robert Gates has blamed past US failures in Afghanistan on the fact that too few troops were deployed. Future US failures will be blamed on something else.

It’s Up To The Boys

Some Christian families in the US are have large numbers of children and, in their belief, providing a new generation of moral leaders. Quiverfull families believe in male domination and insist that the government cannot fix America's problems, but that their children could, well the boys at least.

Spanking Judge

A former US judge accused of having sex with inmates in exchange for lighter sentences, resigned as a judge in 2007 after allegations that he spanked prisoners with a paddle. Prisoners said they didn’t object to the spanking as much as the makeup sex that followed.

Niqab Not Islamic

Egypt's highest Muslim authority says he will issue a religious edict against the wearing of the niqab, which he says is a custom that has nothing to do with the Islamic faith. When he heard the news, French President Nicolas Sarkozy said, sarcastically, “I told you so” in French, of course.

iPhones Won’t Get Flash

Full-blown Flash technology is moving to most smart phones allowing users to view videos the way they would at home. The only holdout is Apple which does not use Flash on the iPhone. Even if they can’t get videos like everyone else, Apple says iPhone users should continue to act and feel superior.

Tigers Take a Bite

A man found bleeding and seriously injured outside the Calgary zoo had apparently broken into the zoo and put his arm in the tigers’ cage proving, once again, that too many beers can seriously impair judgment.

Probiotic Benefits Dismissed

Probiotic, prebiotic, antibiotic. It’s confusing. Now, a European team of experts has dismissed claims for probiotic drinks and yogurts. In the future, manufacturers will have to be more specific about the culture strain so scientists can easily examine any claimed benefits such as the ability to outrun a bear and/or to poop on command (there may be a connection).


Spies Didn’t Bug PM

Former British Labour Prime Minister Harold Wilson always believed he was being bugged by the British spy agency MI5. In fact, MI5, which turns 100 this year, had a file on him but no bugs. It’s probably more accurate to say that the late prime minister bugged them because of his socialist policies and his incessant pipe smoking.


Church Squeamish About Sex Change

A transgendered substitute teacher fired by a Roman Catholic public school board near Edmonton, Alberta, has complained to the human rights commission. Jan Buterman, who is changing from a woman to a man, said his medical condition shouldn’t result in his dismissal. The Catholic Church says the change would just confuse Catholic students who are confused enough, what with everything that’s been going on with the clergy lately.

100 The New 80

Half the babies born now will live to be 100 according to a study published in The Lancet journal (the other half will likely take up smoking). They also said man could have four stages of life - child, adult, young old age and old old age. That’s when all your pensions have run out and you have to get your old paper route back.


Depressed Terrier Farmed Out

Former French President Jacques Chirac has given up on his “depressed” Maltese terrier after the dog bit him for the third time, once sinking his teeth into an “unnamed” body part. Ouch! Chirac has given the dog to French farmer with a short fuse and a shotgun.


Love, Not!

A Detroit man who pleaded guilty to stealing a woman’s car while they were on their first date has been sentenced to two years in jail. In his defence, the man said, “I just wasn’t that into her.”

Candy Makes You Crazy

I used to envy the kids at school who could afford candy, like the local dentist’s daughter. It turns out that kids who get daily sweets, including chocolate, are more likely to become violent adults. A study found that 10-year-olds who ate sweets daily were “significantly” more likely to have a violence conviction by age 34. Here’s a tip. Don’t ask you daughter’s boyfriend where he went to school, find out what he was eating when he was 10.

Smoking Mom Makes You Crazy

The old cab is full of science today, not good stuff either. Scientists say mothers who smoke during pregnancy put their children at greater risk of psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations. The more you smoke, the worse it gets. Like my mother used to say, some things you can do in moderation, some things you can’t do at all.

Iran Makes Everyone Crazy

US officials spoke directly with Iranian officials when they meet in Geneva on Thursday along with representatives from Britain, France, Russia, Germany and China. They agreed to meet again but this time the Americans want movement on the nuclear issue and Iranians want to meet Brad Pitt.


Afghanistan Makes You Sad

Coalition forces in Afghanistan are going to have to adopt a “dramatically different” strategy, according to US General Stanley McChrystal. Go home, that would be different.

Sanctions Yes, Jellybeans No

Iran’s president Ahmadinejad - his friends call him Nukie - says increased sanctions will only make his country stronger, although he’s hoping they don’t cut off the jellybeans. He likes the red ones.

Down There

Feminine hygiene commercials and teachers and mothers who tell young girls not to touch themselves “down there” have a negative impact on female sexual self esteem. Fathers who tell their sons not to touch themselves down there don’t exist.

Palin Speeches Not Selling

Although she made a recent speech in Hong Kong, industry insiders say Sarah Palin is not selling on the lecture circuit “because they think she is a blithering idiot.” This does not bode well for George Bush.