Swiss, Iranians Go Ape

I’m telling you, the monkeys are driving the cab again. First, Iran announces 10 new uranium enrichment plants - does anybody there know how to spell suicide - then the Swiss voted to ban the building of minarets, those pointy things they put on mosques. The Swiss are afraid too many minarets will mean too many Muslims. The Iranians aren’t afraid of anything so they’ve jacked it up to top speed and turned off the headlights in their game of chicken with the world. Fasten your seat belts because a crash is coming . . . oh but not until your tip is in my pocket.

Dirty Kids Heal Faster

If you’re worried about your children’s dirty hands, feet and faces, don’t. It turns out that being too clean can impair the skin’s ability to heal. Being dirty can get in the way of many things, that’s true, but being clean won’t help your child’s scrapped knee to heal. Ditch the sanitizer.


Afghan Corruption . . . Oh Yeah!

Two Afghan cabinet ministers are under investigation for alleged corruption and a further 15 former ministers are also being investigated on suspicion of corruption. If the investigators weren’t corrupt, they’d probably be onto something.

White House Pregnancy Predicted

The 2010 edition of Ireland’s Old Moore’s Almanac predicts the Obamas will have another child with Michelle getting pregnant in the middle of the year. Old Moore’s Almanac was first published in 1764 by Dubliner Theophilus Moore. In 1764, Theophilus predicted rain.

Lost Australian Likes It That Way

An 81-year-old Australian who got lost and went 370 miles out of his way in search of a newspaper says he will never buy a GPS navigation device because he enjoys being lost. His wife says that’s good because he’s lost most of the time.

Africa’s Population Exploding

Africa’s population has doubled in the last 27 years and now tops one billion. Experts say the rapid growth is due to a young population with access to everything but birth control.

Booze A Life Saver

Spanish researchers say drinking alcohol every day can reduce the risk of heart attack in men by one-third. Women who drink don’t get the same health benefit, although researchers said they are more fun.

Clean Freak Turns Himself In

Because they found his apartment was vacant but very clean, police figured that a security van driver who disappeared along $17.4 million had planned the heist. Sure enough, the van operator turned himself in. “He seemed confused, he acted strangely,” police said, adding that his biggest worry was that his apartment might not have been clean enough.


Hypnosis Works Even On The Bowel

Scientists who took brain images during hypnosis said it actually works and “primes” the brain to be open to suggestion. That’s why it is being used to treat people who want to lose weight or stop smoking. It is also being used to treat irritable bowel syndrome suggesting that some people really do have their heads up their asses.


Gaddafi Preaches To Beauty

They had to be beautiful women between 18 and 35 and at least five-foot six-inches tall and modestly dressed. The 200 who made it into the reception room in Rome to meet their mystery host waited an hour before Libya’s leader Col. Muammar Gaddafi showed up and lectured them for two hours on the benefits of Islam, saying it is not misogynistic, and encouraging them to convert. For their trouble, they each got $75 and a copy of the Koran. For his part, Gaddafi got to check out 200 hot women who were neither in a tent nor wearing one.

Chemicals Feminizing Boys

Males exposed to high doses of chemicals in plastics while in the womb have smaller penises and brains that are more feminine. The bad chemicals, phthalates, are banned in toys but they are found in plastic furniture and packaging. Boys who are overexposed don’t want to play rough games but they love ballet.


GM Paying Back

General Motors, which owes the US government $6.7 billion and the Canadian government $1.4 billion, will start repaying both loans this year. The $10 payments, along with a box of chocolates, should be in the mail before Christmas.


The Irish Have Stopped Eating

One in three restaurants in Ireland is losing money and may have to close putting 21,000 out of work. The Restaurant Association wants government to reduce the minimum wage and end higher pay for Sunday work. The workers are just waiting to see how badly they are going to get screwed.

Thatcher Not Dead

When Canadian Transport Minister John Baird’s beloved cat died, he wanted to let everyone know, so he sent this message: “Thatcher is dead.” That led to some confusion and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was about to send his condolences when aides learned Baird was talking about his cat which was named after his heroine, Margaret Thatcher, who is 84 and still purring.

Gay Priest Entering Same-Sex Union

A 70-year-old, retired Canadian priest in Toronto plans to marry his partner to become the first North American priest in a same-sex marriage. No word from the Vatican as to whether the newlyweds should expect the pension cheques to continue.

Vatican Looks To Heavens For Converts

The Vatican, which has burned and locked up scholars for suggesting there is life on other planets, is now exploring whether there is extraterrestrial alien life as a way to gain new members. “If they’re out there, we want them.”


Gamers Dumped by Microsoft

One million gamers who modified their consoles to play pirated video games have been permanently banned by Microsoft from playing Xbox Live online. Now, the pissed-off gamers will have find something else to do . . . to Microsoft’s new software perhaps.


No Double Dipping

Catholic churches in Italy are installing automatic holy water dispensers to help reduce the risk of spreading swine flu. In a completely separate prevention program, they’re installing cameras to reduce the risk to altar boys.

Loud Sex Couple Still Guilty

A woman who was banned from making loud noises during sex has lost an appeal against her conviction. She argued she has a right to “respect for her private family life.” Neighbors countered there was nothing private about sex screams from the couple that went on for hours, clearly a sign that the couple is not only seeking attention, they are showing off as well.

Drunken Pilot Taken Off Plane

A United Airlines pilot has been arrested just before taking off from Heathrow to Chicago with 124 passengers and a crew of 11 on board. Everyone was transferred to another plane and, after the crew passed a breathalyzer test, they were cleared for takeoff.


Russian Cops Are Crooks

Russian officials have admitted police corruption saying that some parts of the police have become criminal businesses. Police say they are paid so little they are forced to arrest people just so they can make them pay bribes. They say it’s a business model that always works.

Two Koreas Clash

North and South Korea have clashed in the Yellow Sea. The South Koreans say a North Korean vessel crossed into their waters where gunfire was exchanged. The South Korean ship was not damaged but the North Korean ship was in flames as it headed for home to a heroes welcome for destroying the entire South Korean navy, humiliating the US fleet and causing the financial collapse of the entire Western world.

Curves Are Smarter

Curvy women are likely to be smarter than thin counterparts and may produce more intelligent offspring. Scientists say one should look for the greatest difference between the waist and the hips because the booty stores Omega-3 which could improve the mental abilities of both the child and mother, even if the father is an idiot.

Engineered Penis Works

Scientists have been able to completely replace the erectile tissue of the penis in rabbits. The rabbits who were given the engineered tissue were able to function sexually and produce offspring. I’m just saying.